Sunday, February 10, 2008

Summer goal

I say a lot of things that may turn out to be a little inaccurate sometimes. It’s called being a person. A lot of people in my life try to trip me up and say “But Michael you said the exactly opposite thing last week.” Oh yeah? Well, maybe I did and maybe I didn’t, hotshot. Maybe you don’t hear things well. Maybe I just changed my mind. Who are you to tell me I’m a liar? You’re the liar! You’re the stupid liar, Liar! Don’t you look at me like that. Don’t you dare. I will take your eyes and turn them into eyeball stew. You hear me?

Moving on,

This is the year I’m finally going to tack on those extra fifteen pounds Every year I tell myself that this is going to be my big year for bulking up. Well guess what, body? THIS IS THE YEAR. I’m going to get so fat.


I better not become one of those dudes that get a fat belly and nothing else. I hate those jerks. From behind, they look like normal joes, but as soon as they turn around – bam! – how did that guy get pregnant? Skinny legs and a fat tummy is no way to go through life, that’s for sure. When I get fat, I want to be fat everywhere. I want people to look at me and think “doughy.” I want kids to puff out their cheeks at me and pretend there’s an earthquake every time I take a step. I want to get so fat that I don’t even get fat-rolls when I sit down, I just get a blob.

In order to gain the most weight possible, I’ve set up a very strict regimen for myself. I’m going to park as close to places as possible so I don’t have to walk. If there aren’t any spaces available, I’ll just wait in my car and eat a candy bar until somebody comes out. When I go to the grocery store, I’m going to get one of those electric carts to zoom around in so I’m not burning calories as I’m buying calories. I will never, ever take the stairs. As for eating, I’m going for quantity over quality. Do I want cheese on my fries? Yes. Do I want to mega-size something? Always. Will I finish food left behind by people at other tables? Yes. (actually that last part shouldn't be to hard since i've been doing it all my life)

There’s going to be a whole new Michael around these parts and this guy’s breaking every chair he sits in. Say goodbye to the idiot you once knew, because here comes Super chubby Michael and I’m going to eat your lunch.