What the hell happened to monocles? That’s one fashion accessory that actually had a purpose. Most eye doctors don’t tell you that only one eye is bad because they want to sell you the full pair of glasses. Monocles are for smart people who had the wherewithal to ask if they really needed two lenses. My neighbor wears a monocle around his apartment and says it makes him feel rich. I love feeling rich, but I can’t find a damn monocle anywhere these days. What’s this world coming to???
Since I can't find a monocle, sometimes I wear my glasses to look smart in front of ladies. Other times, I wear them to see better when those ladies bend over.
My glasses have a nasty habit of getting stepped on though, so lately I have been rolling out with contacts.
Even though I wear contacts, I don’t understand them at all. Who wants to see perfectly all the time? I don't. I wear glasses so I can see when I want to see, but when I just want to relax, I can take them off and enjoy the fuzzy. Contacts are a ploy by the eye-care companies to sell you their made-up products like “solution.” Did you ever buy “solution” before contacts were invented? No way. Same thing with “contact cases”. They make you buy their new-fangled contact lenses and on top of that, you’re supposed to buy all of their accessories, too? No way! I might look like a sucker when I’m wearing my glasses, but at least I’m not a sucker at heart.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Beano Cook's latest chat
Welcome to The Show! On Wednesday, ESPN's Beano Cook will stop by to talk college football!
Jim (Memphis): Beano, do you think Zook's recruitment of "speed" and his spread offense will change the face of the Big Ten.
Get the answers to all your questions with Beano each Wednesday at 3 p.m. ET.
Beano Cook Archive: Chats | Columns
Buzzmaster: (2:59 PM ET ) Beano will be here soon! Beano Cook: (3:02 PM ET ) Good afternoon, obviously I was wrong about Notre Dame, my record is now 4-7 this year. And listen up you schmucks, get off my back about it. Notre Dame has underacheived a bit this year, but they bounce back big time with wins over powerhouses Duke and Stanford.
Jim (Memphis): Beano, do you think Zook's recruitment of "speed" and his spread offense will change the face of the Big Ten.
Beano Cook: (3:04 PM ET ) Who is this "Zook" person you speak of? I've never heard of him until just now.
Jeff (Ann Arbor): Beano, is this Lloyd's last game at The Big House? Beano Cook: (3:05 PM ET ) Lloyd's makes some tastey shredded bbq that I like to put on hoagie rolls.
Mike ( Old Bridge NJ): What are your impressions on the BIG EAST Conference? Beano Cook: (3:06 PM ET ) It's a lot of fun. Great southern food, good jazz and scantily clad women. Booyah!
Victor (Rapid City, SD): When will the huskers return to greatness? Beano Cook: (3:07 PM ET ) Probably never. There is talk about their program folding at the end of the season. I just read about this on the Sooner message board.
John (San Diego): Beano, should they start putting Dennis Dixon's name on the Heisman yet? Beano Cook: (3:07 PM ET ) No he is black.
Aaron (Dallas, TX): Do you think Oklahoma will upset Missouri this weekend in ? Beano Cook: (3:09 PM ET ) . I'll hold off on this prediction until I hear what Charlie Weis had for breakfast this morning.
Kevin Pataskala, Ohio: Outside of Army-Navy What is the greatest rivalry in college football? Beano Cook: (3:10 PM ET ) I get this every year, and there are a lot of great rivalries but I'll go with N-Sync vs. Backstreet boys.
Jo: Who do you think would win between Florida/Illinois in the Capitol One Bowl? Beano Cook: (3:11 PM ET ) On a neutral field I would go with Notre Dame by fifty. If the game's in South Bend, Irish by a hundy.
Joe: Beano, Whats Penn State's problem? I know you hate them and all, but what needs to happen for them to get out of the second tier of the big 10? Beano Cook: (3:13 PM ET ) I do not hate Penn State, I just despise them, that's all. JoePa kinds gives me the heebie-jeebies and that really says something considering the source here. Regardless, the PSU fans were not cheering for ND when we played there earlier this year. What a disgrace.
Greg Workman Tampa Fl: Do you really think that the Big 12 has 3 better teams than West Virginia? Beano Cook: (3:15 PM ET ) I once ate a 21-piece bucket of KFC by myself in a single sitting. I was in the bathroom for two days after that little stunt.
Tim (Toledo): Beano! have you ever met the late great Woody Hayes? If so, does anything stick out in your mind when talking with him? Beano Cook: (3:16 PM ET ) He used to wear a LOT of cologne. It made me hyperventilate. I had to excuse myself.
Dave J (Leesburg, VA): Beano, will Florida State ever get back to being one of the top five teams in the nation? Is it time for Bobby Bowden to get out the fishing pole? Beano Cook: (3:18 PM ET ) Erin Andrews is not returning any of my calls. Beano Cook: (3:18 PM ET ) Woops, that was random. Sorry.
Hokieman, salem Va: Ok Beano, Devil Rays/Royals tickets riding on this one- Notre Dame- vs the bye week. Who ya got? Beano Cook: (3:22 PM ET ) I picked ND the last two weeks and I will pick them again because they are quite simply one of the most balanced teams in the nation right now.
Dave (Palo Alto): Uga, what about Handsome Dan? Beano Cook: (3:23 PM ET ) You mean that Dan Dierdorf guy? He's OKAY looking, but I wouldn't go so far as to call him "handsome".
Carl (McCrory, Ar): Beano: Who's been the most dissapointing this year, my Razorbacks, Nebraska or Notre Dame? Beano Cook: (3:25 PM ET ) Time for bathroom break. Back in 35 minutes.
TJ (Oceanport, NJ): Beano... The Hokies are finally getting healthy after a season of injuries. The way they're playing lately Beamer's boys have got to be a scary draw for anybody. Thoughts? Beano Cook: (3:26 PM ET ) I'm going to have 7-11 nachos smothered with chili and cheese for dinner.
Sean (Pittsburgh, PA): Is Cincinnati a future big east power? Beano Cook: (3:27 PM ET ) It is very possible. Coach Tressel has done a very good job and they're always tough in the Shoe.
Rob (atlanta): Biggest Surprise this year? Virginia, Connecticut, or Kansas? Beano Cook: (3:28 PM ET ) Me keeping my job here at ESPN. Frankly, it's beyond stunning. No one even talks to me at the Christmas party anymore. I miss Trev Alberts.
Ryan (Pocomoke, MD): Who will the winner be if Clemson and Virginia Tech meet in the ACC Championship Game? Beano Cook: (3:29 PM ET ) I have no idea. I'm not familiar with this "ACC" thing. They must be new.
Jack, Phoenix: How about the Vols? If they can get to the SEC Championship and beat LSU, what bowl could they land in? Beano Cook: (3:30 PM ET ) This question is so rediculous, I just wet myself.
Carl (McCrory, Ar): Beano: On a follow up to my previous question regarding which team is the biggest disspointment this year: Will all three coaches at these universities still have jobs next year? (that being Nutt, Weiss and Callahan?) Beano Cook: (3:31 PM ET ) Weiss will get an extension and all the rest of all the D-1 coaches will be terminated. Weiss will receive multi-million dollar contract offers from virtually every other program and turn them all down.
Craig (San Clemente, CA: Beano - Do you think Tim Tebow should be in the top five as far as heisman cadidates are concerned? My thinking is Florida is a 8-3 team as of right now, and Tebow, with all his talent that he has around him, does not make his team better Beano Cook: (3:33 PM ET ) Florida sucks musty balls, so I'll go with "no" here.
Joe (Memphis): Your thoughts on Oregon State this year? Beano Cook: (3:34 PM ET ) I am surprised considering their coach looks like he lives under a bridge.
Bill ( Sydney, Australia ): Does JoePa pass Bobby Bowden by the end of this season? Beano Cook: (3:36 PM ET ) No but the Kansas Coach might.
Jerry (Worthington): Everyone acts as if the Buckeyes are out of the Nat Champ game race...What do you think? Beano Cook: (3:37 PM ET ) Well that's because they are out of it. They play in the fourth toughest conference with a disgraceful non-conference schedule.
Keith(Columbus): Beano, Will Notre Dame and Ohio State ever meet in the reg. season again. I know when they sign a long term deal with Mich, this hurt the chances. I doubt. N.D. would want to play both in the same year. Beano Cook: (3:39 PM ET ) CRAP! Are you kidding me?! Notre Dame's 2nd string and 3rd stringers would stomp the crap out of OSU if given the chance. This would be a great rivalry that I would love to see happen.
Marc (Philly): Dont forget those Bowden victories that really shouldnt be counted to begin with. Stop bashing Joe and Penn State. You are so transparent! Beano Cook: (3:40 PM ET ) TRANSPARENT?! I'm three feet thick. I can block out the sun you little douchebag. Transparent is won thing I'm not.
Larry (Omaha): Beano, what was it like to watch Red Grange play? Beano Cook: (3:41 PM ET ) He must not have played for Notre Dame. So, I basically have no idea, but I don't think it would've been that big of deal.
Peter (California): Beano, who do you most want to see play for the national championship? Beano Cook: (3:42 PM ET ) Notre Dame and Appalachian State
sarah (chicago): How would Doc Blanchard do in todays game?
Beano Cook: (3:45 PM ET ) He was at least as good as Jimmy Clausen
John North Bergen, NJ: Penn State refuses to play WVU or Pitt on a 1 for 1 bases. They believe it should be 2 at Penn State for 1 road game. That's why they play Temple, and the Akrons of the world. Beano Cook: (3:47 PM ET ) Penn State sucks dude. Get a clue. They're H O R R I B L E. My great grandson's flag football team would destroy them.
Jason Fort Walton Beach, FL: does michigan have what it takes to beat ohio state? Beano Cook: (3:48 PM ET ) Well the game is in Duluth, so they do have what it takes. Look at how close last year's game was. But that will be a great scene, although I do prefer the game when it is at Tallahassee.
Beano Cook: (3:51 PM ET ) Okay, that is it for today. Here is this week's pick:
Oregon 0
Oregon State 0
It will be closer than the experts think. I'm pretty much admitting here that not only am I not an expert, but that I'm also peeling a waxed banana.
PS. This is the first time since 1993 that ND has won its last game of the season, maybe bowl games are overrated after all.
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