Monocles

What the hell happened to monocles? That’s one fashion accessory that actually had a purpose. Most eye doctors don’t tell you that only one eye is bad because they want to sell you the full pair of glasses. Monocles are for smart people who had the wherewithal to ask if they really needed two lenses. My neighbor wears a monocle around his apartment and says it makes him feel rich. I love feeling rich, but I can’t find a damn monocle anywhere these days. What’s this world coming to???

Since I can't find a monocle, sometimes I wear my glasses to look smart in front of ladies. Other times, I wear them to see better when those ladies bend over.

My glasses have a nasty habit of getting stepped on though, so lately I have been rolling out with contacts.

Even though I wear contacts, I don’t understand them at all. Who wants to see perfectly all the time? I don't. I wear glasses so I can see when I want to see, but when I just want to relax, I can take them off and enjoy the fuzzy. Contacts are a ploy by the eye-care companies to sell you their made-up products like “solution.” Did you ever buy “solution” before contacts were invented? No way. Same thing with “contact cases”. They make you buy their new-fangled contact lenses and on top of that, you’re supposed to buy all of their accessories, too? No way! I might look like a sucker when I’m wearing my glasses, but at least I’m not a sucker at heart.