Spelling!

Please take a moment to ask yourself this question before reading this blog: “Am I a stupid person that can’t spell?” If yes, then answer this question: “Will I be offended if somebody, namely Michael Balding, makes fun of people that can’t spell?” If yes, then please visit another destination on the World Wide Web. Also, take solace in the fact that you know how to read at all, despite your shortcomings in the spelling department.

For those of you who remain: welcome. You’re among decent spellers. It feels good to get rid of the poor-spelling moon-faces. Good riddance.

I was at a gas station this weekend and heard a little girl ask her mother a question. This question might as well have been “Why am I so dumb?” but in actuality, it was “Do reindeer fly better when it’s raining?” Obviously, the girl thought that reindeer was spelled “rain deer.” Children are stupid. What sense is there in naming an animal after a weather condition? There is no such thing as a hail bear. Nor is there a sleet squirrel. The only exception to this rule is the snow leopard, which is named more for its coloring than its preference for cold weather. I’m also aware of ThunderCats, but they don’t count because they’re from the Star Wars universe

The point is, this girl didn’t know how to spell and her mother didn’t bother to correct her. That’s why I had to step in. I politely explained to the little girl that she was stupidly spelling the word incorrectly in her head. I went on to say that the rein in reindeer is spelled like that not because it refers to the reins that man uses to domesticate these animals, but because of the word’s etymological roots in the Norse languages. Additionally, I told her that reindeer are also known as caribou. The girl started crying and needless to say, I won’t be returning to fill up on the Northside of Bend anytime soon.

Spelling has always been important to me, I decided that, as an individual, I needed to make spelling a priority. As a result, I can easily spell “rhombus,” I sadly have no idea how to identify one.

Happy Holidays and a merry “That is all” to everyone.

My Christmas list

My Holiday Wish List 2007

• A really sharp knife. I want one that cuts cans and opens doors.

• Three hundred dollars in unmarked singles. I owe a guy.

• One of those Russian fur hats that they wear in the Kremlin. Dan this is where you come in.

• Whale blubber. Don’t question me.

• A Nintendo Wii with additional nunchuk controller and Mario Party 8

• A collection of discarded teeth with all necessary tools to make a necklace.

• A real life Kuala Bear. And lots of eucalyptis trees.

• My weight in Life Savers

• An Eye Phone, but keep in mind that I wear glasses sometimes.

If you want to make this the best Christmas ever, go ahead and get me any of the things on this list. I’ll love you forever. Drop them off to me at work (250 NW Franklin #301 Bend, OR, 97701) but don’t put them in the “Toys for Tots” bins – those are just for my co-workers to use for my gifts. I wish they’d stop giving me Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals though. I have more than enough already.

My run for Mayor

So I’ve been thinking about running for Mayor of Bend. There’re a lot of things wrong with Bend and since nobody’s answering my letters over at the Mayor's Office I think it’s time to take matters into my own hands. I know what you’re thinking and yes, they are wrinkled, but they are strong.

Number 1: Cops’ uniforms should be neon yellow. The get-ups they wear now make it too hard to see them coming at night and I’m tired of those jerks sneaking up on me. If I’m elected Mayor, I want to make sure that people know where cops are at all times:

Number 2: Soup kitchens have to offer more variety. From what I’ve heard, they serve the same soup two, three times a week. People really get sick of mushroom barley all the time, you know?

Number 2 and a Half: Mushroom Barley soup will be illegal across the city. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s going to miss it.

Number 3: Make it so IRS employees get paid on commission. Just a no brainer people.

Number 4: I will institute a database with pictures of every resident of the city naked. Every five years, a citizen can request to view any one person’s naked picture for a viewing period of ten minutes. After they’ve used up their viewing, they have to wait another five years until they can view another. It’s just not fair for all these foxy ladies to be walking around without anyone being able to see them naked. This is going to be the cornerstone of my campaign.

Civil War Blog

Although my heart has been broken by Oregon Football I still have enough heart, grit, and determination to give my thoughts on the 2007 Toilet Bowl between Oregon and Oregon State.

By my count Oregon State is without its top 3 players (Sammie Stroughter, Bernard, and some tackle who is ineligble) while Oregon is playing with QB's who didn't even practice at the start of the season.

Appearantly 5th string QB Cody Kempt gets the start over 4th string QB Justin Roper today, which makes sense seeing as his 6-23 2INT game was better than Roeper's impressive 1-8 1INT game.

ANYWAY ITS GAMEDAY!!

1:37 PM Bernard is out of todays game after he failed "running back experiments" earlier in the day.

1:38 PM Oregon is wearing the Las Vegas Bowl helmets for today's game. I was sure that these helmets were burned after that game but I guess not.

1:39 PM Oregon State scores in two plays. My retina's already hurt from the glare of Oregon's helmet's

1;40 PM The start of this game is eerily similar to that of the 2003 civil war where Stephen Jackson destroyed Oregon on the first drive only to get stuffed the rest of hte day

1:42 PM Oregon runs the kick back to the OSU 30 but a flag is down on the play. It could be a long day

1:43PM Kempt tries to throw an INT on his first pass but luckily he is to innacurate and the ball skips before the defender could grab it.

1:44PM Stewart is destroying OSU so far.

1:46 PM Kempt misses another wide open receiver. He may in fact be worse than Jason Fife.

1:49PM On third and 6 Kempt again tries to throw an INT but luckily it was thrown so far behind the WR that even the DB couldnt catch it. Kempt is now 6-26 on his career counting his 0-3 today. I can't believe I am actually at the stage where I would cut off my big toe for Brady Leaf.

1:54PM Oregon State's running back is white and he already has 50 yards. Shoot me now.

1:57PM Maeovo again finds a wide open WR. Its possible that this will be the first time I EVER turn off an Oregon football game.

158PM Moevao fumbles the ball after gaining 15 yards on a QB draw. Considering Oregon's offense will probably not complete a pass all day, Oregon's defense cant give up any more points.

200PM For some reason Kempt tries to run the ball and gets thrown down like a doll. Then on Third and 8 Oregon just runs a simple handoff to Stewart who gets stuffed. Chip Kelly can thank Cody Kempt for ruining his chances at a head coaching job this off-season.

202PM If Oregon gets blown out in this game will Oregon officially retire the Yellow helmet? So far Oregon has been outscored 45-7 while wearing them.

204PM ESPN says that Oregon leads the nation in "Tackles for loss per game" Unfortunately all those tackles for losses have been followed by 30 yard completion

207PM on a play action pass Kempt just immediately runs into an Oregon defender and promptly gets himself injured. Its tough to get upset when your 5th string QB gets injured.

208PM With Oregon now down to 1 scholarship QB, part of me is secretly hoping to see Roper get inured just to see who gets put in at QB.

209PM Roper comes in to the game and promply throws a strike to Jeffery Maehl for a 31 yard TD. I no longer am wishing for him to get injured so Oregon is forced to play a Safety at QB. In one play he had more positive plays than Kempt has had all game.

216PM ABC's sideline reporter says that Oregon's advice to Cody Kempt after his inury was "dont run directly into the middle linebacker" Its pretty sad when that actually has to be said to the starting QB

220PM Oregon State drives 70 yards for the easy TD. Nick Alliotti clearly is earning his paycheck this week

223PM Patrick Chung fumbles the kickoff return but pounces on it. Why is a safety running back kicks for Oregon and not a RB or WR???

228PM Ropers pass goes right through ED Dickson's hands and is returned for a TD. The best part about the play was the fact that it was 3rd and 15 and Roper threw to a player who would have been tackled 15 yards short of the first down.

231PM Oregon just runs the ball on third and 12. Its pretty clear that unless Jonathan Stewart learns to break 19 tackles a play that Oregon's defense will have to score 2 TD's for Oregon to get back in this game.

237 PM Oregon State's white running back from Bend already has 100 yards rushing. Just shoot me now.

241PM Oregon gets a lucky break as OSU appears to get a TD but the refs rule that the WR was bobbling the ball before crossing the plane. Fouts thinks the call should be reversed but the replay official agrees with him about 2% of the time so the call will likely stand. The call stands and Alexis Serna got confused and must have thought he was back in LSU because he pushed the FG wide right. Oregon just went from having no hope to winning this game to having like a .00002% chance.

248PM Roper carries the ball for a 14 yard gain and Fouts call Roper "The Loper" God help Fouts.

254PM OSU goes 3 and out and Oregon proceeds to fumbe the punt. Luckily Oregon recovers the fumble. Oregon is just buying time until they get blown out. 3 and out again for Oregon.

300PM Osu goes 3 and out again. If Oregon can get points before the half they might have a shot.

304PM. A Garren Strong sighting!!!!! Oregon defies all odds and drives the length of the field for an improbable TD. Not only did Roper look like a semi-respectable QB on that drive, but he also managed to get Oregon back in the game. I guess Metal Gear Solid will have to wait.

310PM Oregon State makes probably the dumbest play call in the history of sports by running a QB draw on first down with a minute left in the first half and Moevao proceeded to fumbe the ball and Oregon runs it back for a TD. Why would you run a qb draw when your QB with a minute left in the 1st half when your QB has already fumbled once ON THE EXACT SAME PLAY!!!!. This game is a battle of Mike Riley's idiocy vs Oregon's 5th string QB.

312PM During his halftime interview Mike Riley indicates that he is still undecided on what bridge he will be sleeping under tonight. My money is on the Washington Jefferson street bridge but Riley is a bit "alternative" so he could pull a stunner and end up under the bike bridge.

337 PM The second half kicks off and Walther Thurmond III becomes the 9th Oregon player to return a kick this season. that has to be some kind of record.

339PM In two plays Oregon is already down to the OSU 30 yard line. Of course as soon as I get my hopes up Roper proceed to throw 2 straight incompletions and the Ducks turn the ball over on downs. The worst thing that can happen in this game is for OSU to win a close game. I was mentally prepared for OSU to destroy Oregon but my soul would be crushed beyond imagination if Oregon were to be in the game late and to lose.

349PM Oregon gets a big break as OSU lets the play clock run out on 4th and 2 @ the Oregon 30 yard line. If Riley were smart he would go for it because Oregon's offense is more likely to lose yards at his point in the game than it is to get a first down. Serna is on for the 50 yard FG. He misses it by 60 yards. How ironic would it be for Serna if he blows his first collegiate game by mising 3 PATS then blows his last game by missing multiple FG's.

354PM On third and 6 Roper finds his new go 2 receiver in Maehl who picks up 33 yards. Its amazing that Oregon is winning a game where its playing its 5th string QB, and its primary receiver its a true freshman who started the year as the nickel back.

357PM Roper fools everybody by running in for a score on 3rd and goal. Oregon is now winning 28-21. This is unfucking believable. If Oregon wins playing a 5th string QB than OSU should disband their team.

401PM Oregon State runs a reverse on the kickoff and gets out to midfield. That play always works. Why more teams don't do it is beyond me. Maybe its an unwritten rule in football where you dont run kick off reverses kinda like in Madden you don't run the same play all the time even if it works everytime.

405PM OSU runs a fake reverse and their QB falls on the ground. OSU looks like they are ready to self-destruct.

406PM Maoevo (or whatever his name is) throws it right to an Oregon defender but T.J. Ward cant make the grab. OSU punts the ball and ORegon is back on offense. As long as Oregon doesn;t give up a cheap TD I actually think they will win. I guess that .002% could actually hit.

413PM Roper looks like he could have gotten the first down on a QB keeper but he instead just ran out of bounds. Probably a good idea when there is NO backup QB.

417PM. Oregon's defense is getting thrown around the field as Moevao is carving up the Oregon defense. Oregon seems to be daring Moevao to throw the ball but so far he is up to the challenge.

420PM Oregon State runs right through Oregon and scorse a TD to tie the game up at 28. Oregon state scored one some sort of QB rollout play that looked like it would only work in a 4th grade flag football game.

428PM Roper picks up the 1st down on a run but then proceeds to fumble the next two snaps resulting in a 3rd and 27 play that goes nowhere. So on 4th and 27 Josh Syria comes in and gets off a decent punt. Based on the way Oregon's defense is playing I think they just blew their best shot at winning this game.

434PM Oregon's Dline continues to suck as Moevao completes another 18 yard pass.

436PM This game will turn on Moevao either making a great play or him doing something really stupid.

437PM There is the something stupid as Moevao throws it right to Walter Thurmond III who picks it off giving Oregon great field position near the 50 yard line.

440PM Oregon is unable to gain any yards after the turnover and is forced to punt it into the endzone. Stewart must be hurt again because he got 0 carries on that drive. Oregon is now down to its 5th string QB, 3rd string RB, and like 8th string WR and has someone managed to put up 21 offense points. Even if Oregon loses every Oregon fan has to be impressed with the way the team has fought back into the game.

443PM Tim Brandt on Lyle Movaeo "he isn't afraid to throw to his wr's even if they are covered" I always thought throwing to covered WR's is a good skill for a QB to have.

445PM Oregon's dline is getting destroyed again. They are about as effective as Jaison Williams hands.

446PM Oregon's defense holds but Serna gets off the first good punt of his career and pins Oregon at their own 6. I have a really bad feeling that Roper will throw a pick six right here. Call it a hunch.

450PM Stewart clearly is inured again as Crenshaw gets the first two carries of the drive. Roper then proceeds to overthrow his WR. Time for Josh Syria to earn his player of the game status.

452PM Tim Brandt "Legends are made of this". Not really sure what that means but it sounds so epic that it must be true.

455PM Oregon State is running the ball with ease and on third down Moevao makes a nice pass to convert inisde the Ducks 20 yard line.

456PM On first down Oregon sells run all the way and stops the white running back for a 1 yard loss. Oregon needs to sell out against the run here these next two plays and hope that Serna botches another kick.

458PM OSU decides to play action pass but Moevao throws incomplete. on third and 11 OSU just runs the ball and Oregon calls timeout with 1:09 left. Serna is on for about a 40 yard kick.

459PM Serna lines up for the 37 yard kick. Legends are made in this situation.

500PM Serna gets the kick blocked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Walter Thurmond blocks the kick off the edge and Oregon has a chance to win the game!!!

501PM Roper to Strong for 9.

501PM Fouts "This isn't intramurals brother!!"

502PM Roper to Jones for 6 and Oregon burns its final timeout. Oregon needs about 10 yards to get in range. Matt Evensen is out for redemption this civil war as he had his kick blocked last year at the end of regulation.

503PM Jaison Willaims makes up for every drop he has ever had with a great catch for about 15 yards. Oregon is barely in FG range. 35 seconds left.

504PM Ed Dickson just misses about a 20 yard completion. On Third down Oregon is forced to throw the ball away and Evenson comes in for the 53 yard kick.

505PM Timeout OSU.

506PM. Oregon may fake this kick but OSU doesnt look like they are rushing anybody so here goes EVenson.

507PM Evenson misses Wide Right but a flag is down and will be against OSU!!!!!!! Personal foul on OSU!!!!!!!

508PM The penalty is for leaping and landing on a player. I have never even heard of that penalty, but i am glad it is in existence.

508PM Oregon's offense comes out on the field. I would kneel it and then and then spike the ball. Instead Evensen comes out and misses the 40 yard kick :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

FUCKING TERRIBLE COACHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULDN:T YOU SPIKE THE BALL THERE!!! I HATE MIKE BELLOTTI MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. BRING BACK RICH BROOKS!!!!!!!!!!

509PM. Oregon should have just spiked the ball instead they tried to hurry the kick and Evensen managed to miss the 40 yard FG by about 40 feet. To my knowledge he is the only kicker to miss two potential winning/tying civil war FG's.

510PM Stewart is back in and Oregon runs a great WR reverse but Garren Strong holds his man stupidly and it will be second down.

512PM On second and 10 Stewart rushes for 2. on Third down Roper makes a smart decision and Ed Dickson picks up about 15 down to the 6. This is EPIC!!!

514PM Stewart runs for a loss of 1. on second and ten Stewart loses 2 more. Third and goal here. Need a fade to a WR here. Roper instead throws a 1 yard in to the TE and the FG team comes out.

517PM Evensen comes out for the 25 yard FG. GOOD!!

518PM Well if Oregon can hold OSU to no points here than were good but seeing as OSU starts on the 25 Oregon should need a turnover to avoid losing the game right here.

519PM On first and 10 OSU runs for 1 yard. If Oregon loses this game I will be SOOOOOOO angry.

520PM Incomplete pass so now its 3rd and long. Moevao should be blitzed bigtime here. Incomplete pass. 4th down. Oregon has to be smart here and not do anything stupid. Serna from 41 yards. GOOD :(((((( At least OSU gets the ball first for the second OT.

522PM I feel pretty good about Oregon's chances in this OT because I think they have the confidence right now. OSU starts with the ball....

523PM On first down OSU runs the ball for a TD as the WR broke about 18 tackles on one play. Kwame Ageyman cemented his legacy as a wash-out at Oregon by completely wiffing on the tackle.

524PM Well this is Justin Roper's time. Stewart picks up 6.

525PM On second and 4 Stewart loses 2. Third down and Roper will be forced to make a play.

526PM Jaison Williams catches a pass but it will be 4th down and 1. This will be an interesting play call.

527PM Stewart gets stoppd on 4th and 1 and Oregon LOSES. Gameball for OSU has to go to Justin Roper who foolishly decided to kick a hurried FG rather than spike it and give Matt Evensen time for a 37 yard FG that he surely would have drilled.

528PM FirechipKelly.com has now officially been registered by me. Feel free to donate to me.

If nobody ever sees me again its probably because i decided to throw myself out my window so come look for my body there.

I look forward to seeing you all in the Emerald Nut Bowl!!