I’ve been through lots of Presidents in my time (well one crappy president) and after a while, you get a sense of what you want in a leader. Here’s my list of what I look for in a President:
1. I want a President who likes to dance. You get a square up there and none of the other countries want to party. The key to international relations is dancing. Condi needs to start drinking at these conferences.
2. My President needs to get pissed. Too many of those stiffs get to the White House and glad-hand everyone. Somebody does something terrible to America, they sit there calmly in their football-shaped office and tell us that everything is going to be okay. I want a dude (not a dudette) who grabs a golf club and smashes things when they talk to the nation. I want a leader who’s not afraid to tell everyone to go to hell.
3. I want a President that looks good dressed up. Nice cheeks bones are an added bonus. (Points here to Obama)
4. If they’re going to make bad decisions, they better make up for them spectacularly. I’m talking personalized apology notes, public floggings, and free ice cream. If they want to sit in a dunk tank, I’ll be the first in line to take a shot. (Where is my vanilla blizzard Mr. Bush???)
5. I want at least three controversies, none of which make America look bad. The President getting caught with an unbelievably foxy hooker is okay, but the President getting caught hitting the foxy hooker is not. Selling weapons to Europe is fine, but selling weapons to Asia is not. I’ll also accept some kind of unintentional foreign insult controversy, but it has to be funny and not boring.
