Seahorses

When will all these crazy dreams stop? They’ve been going on for at least a week and every night they get crazier and crazier. Usually I try to use my dreams to figure out stuff that’s going to happen in the future like lottery numbers and horse race winners, but recently my subconscious has declared war on my brain.

A week ago Wednesday I went to sleep after drinking my nightly bedtime cocktail – triple sec, bitters, grape juice, and two bottles of Nyquil – and all of a sudden I was thrown into the strangest dream I ever had. I was a seahorse broad living in this underground suburban housing community and I was making dinner for my little seahorse kids until my husband came home and said he was taking us all for a seahorse celebration because he got promoted at the real estate office. We went to this fancy buffet where they only served kelp and then one of my little seaponies turned into a skyscraper and I was standing on top of him looking for my shoes (which had fallen to the ground below). That’s when I heard a siren and woke up. I didn’t think anything of it, but the next night, the dream continued.

This time, I was still a seahorse, but I was on top of the Sears Tower in Chicago and I was giving tours to Croatian tourists who wanted to know where they could find hot dogs. I kept saying “Just look around, Croats, they’re everywhere!” But they kept on asking. Finally, I grabbed one of the foreigners and pulled them to the edge while I pointed to about a million hot dog stands on the street below us. That’s when the building turned back into my seahorse son and all of a sudden I was back at the kelp buffet, but one of my waiters was the pesky Croatian. Weird, right?

So every night since, I’ve been drinking the same cocktail and going to sleep right away and the dreams just keep getting more and more out of control. Now they involve a seahorse orchestra, a family of very tiny bears who love to swim, Croatian folksongs, blankets made out of submerged power lines, and an elaborate conspiracy to take over the Sea Monarchy by a very large network of algae. Seriously, if you know what any of this means, please let me know. I think I might have to eat a seahorse to make it all go away, but the last time I ate a horse of any sort, I had a really bad reaction so I want to avoid that if I can. Thank you in advance for your help.

Baths

What’s better than a nice, hot bath? Almost nothing except for a nice, hot bath with a foxy lady and some fine aged Dominican cigars. You can get Dominican stogies almost anywhere, but I still like to smuggle them in. It gives me a sense of accomplishment when I smoke them. Makes me feel proud.

When I’m sitting in that tub, I light one up and enjoy it for hours. I don’t mind the water wrinkles I get from staying in there too long, because hey, I’ve got enough wrinkles of my own so who am I to complain?

Back to baths for a second. I like baths so much more than showers. I mean, who likes standing under a hose when you can be sitting in a miniature swimming pool? When you take a bath, you’re making a commitment to cleanliness because baths get the job done. That’s why my weekly bath is one of the most important things I do. Stay clean, people, otherwise rubes can smell you when you sneak up behind them.

Blogging Machine

A lot of people say that when you get to be my age, it’s much harder to stay in shape. After all, 23 is WAY over the hill. This idea however, is a load of poppycock. Just look at me. I’m a machine. Based on my own measurements, I have roughly 2% body fat. I’m so cut, I could model for Italian sculptors. If the government wanted to, they could build robot soldiers in my likeness. So don’t go telling me that it’s hard to stay fit.

My diet is pretty simple. nothing for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and then a sensible dinner – usually comprised of mung beans. For beverages, I only drink water or whiskey and when I’m drinking whiskey, it’s usually when I’m working out. It gives me the courage to lift more than I can when I’m sober.

Every month or so, I’ll invent a new diet for myself that I stick to for about a week. Last month, I only ate watermelon seeds and bacon fat. This month, I’m thinking of trying out a squirrel diet: acorns, berries, assorted tree leaves, and, of course, squirrel. I’ll let you know how it goes.

The real secret to my success is my workout regimen. I do all my lifting in the office at night after everyone leaves. First I start with my sit-downs. I stand up and sit down on my chair twenty-five times or until I can’t whistle. Then I move over to the break room to do my patented Vending Machine Push. It’s real simple – just tip the vending machine towards you and push it towards the wall without letting it actually tip back onto its base. I’ll do this until I feel like I’m going to die. Then I do two more and slam that puppy back against the wall. The Vending Machine Push actually has two purposes. It makes your chest flat and you get a lot of free snacks because they rattle loose when you’re doing all the pushing. It’s the most valuable part of my workout. I usually finish up by doing sprints through the kitchen, but last week some numbnuts spilled milk on the floor and I took a pretty nasty tumble. I was really pissed until I remembered that I was the one who spilled the milk. Let that be a lesson to us all: don’t fall into traps you set for your co-workers.

Crock Pot

Most people are unfamiliar with the powers of dehydration as a cooking tool for meat. These people think that all meat must be cooked in an oven or on a stove or using a grill. This notion is ridiculous. These people are clearly dummies. This blog entry is specifically written to dispel their closed-minded ideals. (Although i will grant a limited exception to people who cook in the crock pot. Those people are not dummies. They are just uninformed.)

What good is a freshly grilled steak to me if I’m not sitting at a table? If I’m spotting up in the corner during a highly anticipated 3 on 3 game, that steak becomes nothing less than a burden. When combatants from the other squad smell the steak, it could lead them right to me. If the steak sits out too long in the sun, there’s a strong likelihood that it will turn rancid. Shortly after that point it becomes a silent but deadly killer waiting for my hunger to unwittingly lead me into the meat’s treacherous clutches. “Traditional Meat Cookers” would probably want that to happen to me. They would like to see me die. Well guess what, Brenna, Troy and Jennifer? Dehydrated meat leaves me vulnerable to NONE of the situations I described previously. It can be eaten discreetly and in any location. It is delicious without being messy (good for those who know me). Best of all, it is highly nutritious.

Dehydrated meat is commonly referred to as “jerky.” I do not know who came up with this name, so don’t bother asking me. Jerky can be made from almost any type of meat. Most people are familiar with beef jerky. This is the most pedestrian of jerkies. I much prefer venison jerky -- be it deer or bear. The nutty flavor of the meat works surprisingly well when all moisture is removed from it. Venison jerky, like all jerky, is incredibly chewy in a very pleasing way. I have also seen jerky made from rabbit, badger, vole, raccoon, squirrel, trout, and salmon. This is by no means a complete list; it’s just what I’ve tasted personally. Rumors are abound that, Bubba from Forrest Gump, has a more complete list than I do.

To make jerky, you don’t need any fancy cooking equipment. I’ve seen television advertisements for professional “food dehydrators,” but these are made for morons (a category you may fit into if you still deny the awesome power of jerky). All you really need to make jerky is a knife and the sun. The knife is for cutting your meat into long, thin strips. The sun is for drying the meat. This all happens thanks to a little scientific process I like to call evaporation. Also called the "water cycle" for those of you still in 4th grade. If you so desire, you may also choose to season the meat. I don’t do this. It’s a frivolous task and a waste of spices. There is nothing wrong with non-spiced meat and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Salting the meat is a different story, however, and you should use salt liberally in order to remove as much moisture from the meat as possible. Once you’ve cut your meat into strips, find a clean area to hang the strips in the sun. Within a few days, your jerky will be ready for consumption, and when it is, the world is your oyster [NOTE: I have never seen or heard of oyster jerky].

Enjoy your newfound freedom as you travel the globe without worrying about where you’ll find a fresh source of protein. Your jerky will serve as a nutritional passport as you set your mind to other more important things, like how you will avoid the pickpockets that ruin most travel experiences both here in America and abroad.

Take heed, readers. Jerky will change your lives. All you have to do is open your mind, and close your crock-pot.

Holiday Inn

Family gatherings are fantastic. They’re a time for relatives to come together and enjoy each other’s company. I don’t see my family much (for various reasons: jail, voluntary institutionalization, mercenary work, car crashes into rivers), so lately I have been spending my time with other families on their happiest days. It really brings a lot of joy to my weekends.

The Holiday Inn in downtown Bend has these nice banquet rooms that people rent out for weddings or baptisms or reunions or whatever else they want to celebrate with their families. On Saturday mornings, I put on one of my work suits and head over to see what they’ve got going on. It’s really easy to figure out because there are these signs they put up in the lobby telling you who and what is going on in each of the banquet rooms. One week it might be the Yomimuri Family Reunion and Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah, the next week it’s Jimmy Kerry’s 40th Birthday Bash and a pancake breakfast from the Rotary Club. I like to think of it like Banquet Hall Roulette and I look forward to it all week – especially the Bar Mitzvahs. Those are a gas.

It’s amazing how just being in a room full of happy people can really rub off on you. When I leave the gatherings, or get kicked out as the case may be, I feel giddy. I start smiling like I’m a squirrel at a baseball game where the peanut vendor trips on one of the steps in the aisle and drops all of his peanut bags on the ground. I figure things are going pretty good in life if you can feel like that squirrel.

The Baldo's

Since I was out selling TV's last Sunday to homeless people in Seattle, I missed the Academy Awards. Luckily I have my own awards show coming up at the end of this month called the Baldo's. I wont be giving out gold statues, because if I did have any gold statues i would melt them down for bling instead of giving them out to winners of a completely made up awards show that 8 people will read about. So check back later to find out who won big at the Baldo's. (Thats called a teaser by the way).