Buffet Rules

When I get hungry, and I mean hungry, there are only five words that can satisfy me: All You-Can-Eat Buffet. They’re like libraries of food, but instead of late fees, they’ve got soft-serve. I've been hitting up the local Bend buffets at least once a week. It really breaks up my normal routine of soup, chicken, microwave pasta, chicken-soup casserole.

Most people think you’ve got to eat meat to fill up at buffets (Think Izzy's and their BBQ hotdogs) but this is simply not true. It’s all about the sauces. Think about it: your body is mostly made up of liquid. Blood, water, guts. It’s all liquid. So does it make sense to shove a whole bunch of solids down your windpipe? Think again. You want to stock up on the sauces because they’ll keep you full the longest. Go for a big old glass of Alfredo sauce and you won’t eat for weeks. (If you can't find any sauces than salad dressing is a good substitute) Chinese buffets are also great for this. Kung pao might be spicy, but if you drink enough of it you won’t even be able to think about eating.

One a related note, it drives me crazy when buffets only offer one type of Jell-O. Seriously, the Jell-O thing drives me crazy. It costs, what 25 cents to make a whole tray? Loosen up the purse strings and throw some lemon and orange in with that watermelon. Although don't put the milk anywhere near the Jello. Despite what some people might do or say, MILK AND JELL-O DO NOT MIX. <--- Jerry you need to re-read this last sentance until you understand

Regular restaurants have waitresses that you’re supposed to tip but Buffets are great because they have waitresses that you don’t have to tip because you’re doing all the work yourself. These bimbos have tons of time on their hands because you’re the idiot running back and forth with the food, so I always intentionally drop a plate or two just to keep them on their toes.

I had an idea the other day regarding buffets and if anyone steals it I’ll hunt them down. Here’s the idea: buffets should start selling different size plates. You pay three bucks for the small, five bucks for the medium, and ten bucks for the large. I’m a real good stacker so I’d just have to pay for the little one and I'd go off, but fat people would probably shell out for the big plate so they wouldn’t have to get up so many times. I’m telling you, this is pure genius. Honestly, if you steal this idea I will dismantle you.