So I’ve been thinking about running for Mayor of Bend. There’re a lot of things wrong with Bend and since nobody’s answering my letters over at the Mayor's Office I think it’s time to take matters into my own hands. I know what you’re thinking and yes, they are wrinkled, but they are strong.
Number 1: Cops’ uniforms should be neon yellow. The get-ups they wear now make it too hard to see them coming at night and I’m tired of those jerks sneaking up on me. If I’m elected Mayor, I want to make sure that people know where cops are at all times:
Number 2: Soup kitchens have to offer more variety. From what I’ve heard, they serve the same soup two, three times a week. People really get sick of mushroom barley all the time, you know?
Number 2 and a Half: Mushroom Barley soup will be illegal across the city. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s going to miss it.
Number 3: Make it so IRS employees get paid on commission. Just a no brainer people.
Number 4: I will institute a database with pictures of every resident of the city naked. Every five years, a citizen can request to view any one person’s naked picture for a viewing period of ten minutes. After they’ve used up their viewing, they have to wait another five years until they can view another. It’s just not fair for all these foxy ladies to be walking around without anyone being able to see them naked. This is going to be the cornerstone of my campaign.
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