Uniforms

In my opinion, every job should have a uniform. Fast-food workers, gas station attendants, exterminators, these guys all have it covered already. Take my job, for instance. I know I’m not allowed to wear shorts, because every time I do, I get yelled at. I also can’t wear vests without shirts underneath. So I’m locked into wearing a certain combination of clothing every day, but there are just too many choices. Think of how many hours I waste a month deciding what to wear to work!!! Imagine how much time a clothing whore like Justin Samudio wastes, probably thousands of hours a year! If it were up to me, I’d implement an office worker uniform so you could just wake up every morning, go to your uniform closet, and three seconds later you’re all set.

Take my dad for instance. Now that he is retired he only works 3 hours a day, but because he doesn't have to a dress code, he isn't wasting time every morning deciding to what to wear, and so those 3 hours are really efficient. Plus with a uniform, nobody cares if you spill all over yourself. Everybody knows that a unfiform is just a really big napkin, so those veggie burrito stains just add character and pizzazz.

If i did get to design my own work uniform, it would consist of three items and three items only.

1. Navy blue sweatpants. These are the first item because they’re the most important. When I go home, the first thing I do is put on navy blue sweatpants. You can’t find a more comfortable piece of clothing. The color is great because you can spill all you want and nobody’s the wiser, it just all blends in. All in all, if the uniform doesn’t include navy blue sweatpants, I don’t want the job.

2. Comfy slippers. Right after I change into my navy blue sweatpants, I slide on my sheepskin-lined slippers. Talk about comfort! These little puppies make it feel like you’re walking on a field of soft paralyzed sheep – I say paralyzed only so you don’t picture the sheep as moving. If I could wear slippers to work every day, I’d probably start caring about my job.

3. A headband. All great basketball players were headbands, so isn't it only natural that all great office employees would wear headbands too???

These three items could change the workplace as we know it. I’m serious, America. Just think about how much more productive we would be as a country if all office-workers wore navy blue sweatpants, headbands, and comfy slippers. We’d be a comfortably dressed productivity superpower, and honestly, isn’t that what all this fighting is about anyway?

BALDINGWATCH- Day 20 something

In light of my campaign to keep him out of Congress, Christopher Balding has not updated his blog since June 13th. He probably can't afford to operate his website anymore after his quotes saying he hated children got leaked on this very blog. Plus my Dads $50 campaign donation probably went to an electric shaver after that picture of his got propped up everywhere

Chris claims that he should be elected because of his background in Economics. His supposed breakthrough came when he wrote a report last year about soverign wealth funds, Chris claims that these sovereign wealth funds are much smaller than anyone originally thought

The problem with Chris' report (which you can waste time reading here) is that he fails to take into account any money that these funds farmed out for management to external fund managers. By using data from the US Treasury department (Trust me, they dont have accurate records, I would know) he only captures money's that are within the fund, not any money that has been outsourced to banks, or fund managers. Given that fact that funds the size of these soveign wealth funds traditionally have over half their value being managed by outside fund managers, its obvious that the treasury data doesn't show the whole picture. So of course the Treasury data won't match up with what these funds report, because the data shows less than 50% of what these funds actually control! Therefore any claim Chris makes about these funds overreporting their assets is baseless because it relies on totally irrelevent and incomplete data.

I give Chris an A+ effort for trying on his paper, (after all he did writeover 100 pages!), but if he wants a seat at the big boy table, he will have write a paper that takes at least 2 paragraphs to disprove, not just 1.

Sea Creatures

Salutations, weblog reader. I hope you are reading this at home and not during working hours because this weblog entry has nothing to do with your job, unless you are a marine biologist. I will allow self-employed people to read, but that is a slippery slope.

Why do Japanese people hate octopi??? I have never understood this. I was reading several Japanese haikus this afternoon and I noticed a very central theme. Sailor marries women, Sailor goes out to sea, octopus kills sailor, giant octopus goes and rapes the widowed wife with its tentacles. This plot doesn’t make any sense. It paints giant octopi as if they’re these terriblecreatures, not content to just kill sailors, but also to seek out and infiltrate the Japanese widows. This baffles me. This saddens me.

The mighty octopus should be respected, not depicted as some horrible marine rapist. If you need to demonize a sea creature, make it the horrendous jellyfish, which provides not jelly but dangerous stings.

Please children, go be friends with the octopi around the world. They will provide you with endless fun by changing colors, and even taste good when properly cooked.

Constituent

Christopher Balding has asked constituents to submit him questions via his atrocious website, Iamthepresumptiveloserofthegeneralelection.com.

Not wanting to toss Chris a softball question, i emailed the following question from my fake yahoo email account to our congressional pretender, and am eagerly awaiting his response:

"Dear Mr. Balding,
I would appreciate any response you can give me to the following question. As a congressional hopeful, I would greatly appreciate your response.

I was walking one day next to my local creek when something fell from a tree and hit me in the eye. I fell to the ground like a drunken George Washington student. When I looked up, I saw something only seen in dreams. A one-armed yeti was standing over me. The yeti was tall with thick white hair that sprouted from his body like snowy grass. He made a loud noise that sounded like Jeremy Davis. The strangest thing about the yeti was that it only had one arm and the arm came right out of his chest. It looked like John Balding. I stood up to talk to this mysterious creature of the snow.

“Why did you strike me?” I asked
“I’m a yeti. I do not talk,” replied the yeti.
“But… you just did,” I said, reaching out to touch the yeti’s snowy white fur.

The yeti let out a fearsome roar and hit me in the face with his yeti paw. I fell back onto the ground unconscious, and when I woke up the Yeti was gone.

Mr. Balding what should I do next? I am at a loss for answers. Any help you could give me on the subject would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your response. I will be voting for Ralph Nader in November."

Your number 1 fan

Controversy

Christopher Balding, the Republican candidate for the 34th congressional seat in California, supports removing funding from public schools and funneling it to drug dealers.

Christopher Balding also does not want Science in the classroom. Here is a quote from him regarding the subject "Now science is good, when it teaches you how to turn a million ungrateful foreigners into glass. That, I'm giving a thumbs up to, OK"

Christopher Balding also said this little quote on a university radio show back in 2002: "The minority agenda, Yuck! I mean every idiot in this country has a damn agenda, what about my agenda, you know that that is? America! It is up to us, Balding's Buddies, to tell people what they can do. Because if not, they're gonna live like heathens. Left to their own devices, they're gonna eat their own shit! We gotta tell them what to do, otherwise were gonna be screwed. We want order, America! You hear me?!!!!!"

I also manged to find this campaign slogans that were written by Balding for his campaign, but have not yet been printed yet. They are truly appalling.

1) Vote for Balding, because the liberal media wants to give your country to an illegal immigrant
2) Vote for Balding, because democracy is worth suppressing rights for
3) Vote for Balding, because foreigners don't bathe as often as we do
4) Vote for Balding, because you cant trust the people in Jackfuckistan
5) Vote for Balding, because I will be the John Wilkes Booth of Congress

More updates to come......

Energy

Back in the fall, I was drinking a lot of Red Bulls and they really made me feel like I was being shot out of a cannon. I loved the stuff. Problem is, that junk is expensive. Who can afford to drink more than one a day? Certainly not me. My money goes to more enterprising pursuits, like buying foxxy ladies drinks. I wish I could drink six or seven cans of the stuff a day to keep me going, but until I win the lottery, or my competition at work ends up working at Taco Bell that’s not happening. When I was in the convenience store the other day, though, I saw this new energy drink called VivaMaxxPlus, so I decided to give it a shot.

Let me tell you, that stuff is amazing. They’re half the price of the Bull and they get my heart going even faster. It’s incredible. I drink a whole mess of them at lunchtime and then I’m awake until the sun comes up. It really helps me get through the workday and then my real workday, which starts at around 10pm. It’s hard to explain the feeling I get, but it’s like someone hooked up a battery to my body and it’s in charge of making my blood flow, but the dial that controls the speed got messed up and it’s stuck on “super fast.” That’s exactly what it feels like.

I decided I have to limit myself to three or four a day or else I’m going to get in some real trouble. Any more than that and I get pretty aggressive. Last week, I drank five cans of the sauce and when the women who sits across from me at work started talking her usual nonsense. I started imagining me and her on a go-kart track, but she didn’t have a go-kart and my go-kart had all kinds of weapons on it. (playing Mario Kart on the Wii probably doesn't help either) Right when I started picturing myself shooting her with my my heating seeking red turtle shells, I realized I needed to take it down a notch. I’m not a violent person, but there’s something in that VivaMaxxPlus that makes me craaaaaaazy.

Also, my quest to destroy Christopher Balding's race for congress (or get him to pay me to shut down my slander, will reach new heights tomorrow so stay tuned......Thats called a teaser by the way for those of you who don't know.)

Running For Congress

Everyone who knows me knows that I am acutely aware of the 5 senses, particularly smell.

That’s why I’m proud to announce the arrival of my new fragrance, “BaldingScents.” It’s a mixture of my favorite smells: gasoline, three-day-old cigarettes, cash money, Vanilla Ice Cream, bleach, and dirt. It smells awesome. When you walk around, people stop and look at you as if to say “Is that you that I’m smelling?” Well, folks, yes it is, and now, for the first time ever, you can smell like me, too. I’m personally bottling it in 100% recycled water bottles that still have their original labels. Just hook up a little squirt attachment to the top (sold separately) and spray away! You can smell like Michael! Your pet can smell like Michael! Your mobile home can smell like Michael! Your car can smell like Michael! Even your kids can smell like Michael! Buy some BaldingScents now!

Even congressional wannabes can buy BaldingScents and use it to attract votes!

I am also continuing my quest to expose Christopher Balding as a pretender in this years congressional race for the 34th district.

In his press release touting his primary victory, Chris claimed that he beat a "formidable Republican who has been the nominee for the past 10 years". So what Chris is really saying is, "I beat a guy who is so pathetic he lost 5 straight elections". That really is impressive. Imagine how formidable his opponent would have been if he had lost 8 or 9 straight elections!

Also, his claim that he beat the republican nominee for the past 10 years is incorrect. Chris beat Wayne Miller, who was the Republican nominee in 2002, 2004, and 2006 but not in 1998 or 2000 as Chris claimed. I demand an immediate retraction and apology to the electorate for this mistruth! Christopher Balding better get his campaign in order because I will not let the American people be misled by phony politicians in these dangerous and uncertain times! The people of the 34th district deserve a candidate who speaks honestly about the issues, not ones who misremember the truth for their own personal gain!

Watch out Chris, because this is just the beginning....................( I am still waiting for my $1100 check)

What happened

What can $1182.60 get you??????

Well you could buy a New 6 Inch Round Button Pro Machine Combo with 500 parts!

Or, you could spend 6 hours with the lovely Vanessa (Seductive and classy!)

But the best use of your $1182.60 is buying this website from me. According to this reputable website the BaldingReport is worth $1182.60. I am not sure how they arrived at the total they did. Maybe it was the 69 daily hits, or the $1.62 in daily ad revenues. Or being ranked as the 15 millionth most popular website IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

This ranking also gives me great pleasure because the same website ranks my rival website, Thebaldingblog well behind me. This makes me the most powerful blogger of the Balding family and clearly shows that it should be me running for congress and not some dude who's website is only worth $900.

As many of you probably don't know, my cousin Cristopher Balding, is running for US Congress in the 34th district of California. He has a new website called Chrisforcongress.com

Chris lists his biography in this website, but he fails to point out several key things about his past that I feel I need to bring into the public arena

1st: Chris owes me $50, He is a welcher. How can we expect someone to fix the mounting debt our government faces when he can't even pay off his own debts

2nd: In recapping his foreign policy views, he forgets to mention that he was an early supporter of the Iraq War, and got destroyed in a debate against me in his fathers car on the way to the Fiesta Bowl. Now, he says we should be removing troops from Iraq. Flip Flop. Flip Flop.

3rd: I am not mentioned in the family history section of the website. Granted I haven't seen Chris in 7 years, but that was just mean of him. Given the fact I can bring in 69 viewers DAILY, I would think Chris would want to reach out to a powerful media figure such as myself.

I could go on and on, but I still feel that Chris is a member of my family, even if he feels otherwise. Anyway, people of California, I do not recommend voting for Christopher Balding until he gives me the respect and admiration i deserve (or he pays me $1182.60 for my blog to shut me up).

I know it took me 2 months to write this Blog entry, but Bend is a pretty boring place, so expect more blogs in the future. I also plan on attacking Christopher daily until I am properly recognized by his campaign or his wallet.