Comets

Today the State of Virginia came out with a report detailing Virginia Tech's response to the school shooting there this past year. The Report says that lives could have been saved had the school been prepared for such a situation. Not only is this report completely useless, but it deflects blame away from the real cause of the tragedy: THE ACTUAL SHOOTER

Disasters occur because something unpredictable happens. A plane is hijacked into a building, a hurricane breaches a levee thought to be able to stand up to the most severe storms, a bridge collapses, a student chains the doors to a building shut and murders all the students. These are events that nobody predicted would happen, yet the people responsible for dealing with them have all been criticized for their failure to adequately prepare for them. How can we criticize people for not preparing for something that nobody would anticipate happening????

If an Comet strikes the University of Oregon, I am sure that some Monday Morning Quarterbacks will come in and say that "Lives could have been saved had the University done more to prepare for such an occurrence". The problem is that President Fhronmeyer lives in reality and isn't going to authorize security funding on a big fucking laser that shoots down incoming comets. Instead he is going to authorize his security money to deal with problems he knows the University has. (Believe me there are lots of those).

Another thing these reports do is they deflect blame from the people truly responsible for the tragedy. In the Virginia Tech situation, the media reacted to this report as if the report said the School President personally gave the gun to the shooter. The report should place the blame on the psycho who actually pulled the trigger and not the person forced to deal with the aftermath.

If the comet crashes into the UofO, I don't want the ensuing report to blame the guy who refused to install the laser because it was deemed to expensive for a non-existent threat. I want to report to blame the actual comet for causing all the damage.

Sometimes crazy shit happens and you just have to accept it. No one can predict where the next crazy thing will happen, but I guarantee someone will be blamed for not predicting and stopping it.

BaldingReport Out.

Gonzo

Alberto Gonzalez resigned a few days ago as Attorney General. During his tenure as Attorney General Gonzalez was quite quotable, so today I present the "Top 10 Alberto Gonzalez quotes of all time!!"

10. “I have searched my memory.”

9. “I don’t have any recollection about…”

8. “I have no recollection.”

7. “I have no memory of this.”

6. “I don’t remember.”

5. “I don’t know.”

4. “I don’t recall ever saying this.”

3. “I don’t recall ever doing that.”

2.“I can’t recall.”

1. “I don’t recall.”



Brokeback Bathroom
In more political news, Idaho senator Larry E. Craig was arrested for trying to solicit sex from a male undercover cop in the Minneapolis Airport. At least Mark Foley now has a golfing buddy.


It has been a sad fall for the Cookie Monster

Youtube Mania

if only Dick Cheney would have listened to himself



This video is of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. But instead of using the TV footage from the game, the video instead uses footage from the video Game "RBI Baseball". Vin Scully does the Announcing



Believe it or not me and my dad used to play Tecmo bowl against each other all the time. This video sums up what I did to him.



In this video a plane crashes into left field during a baseball game. Somehow the announcer keeps his normal announcing voice despite the fact "A FREAKING PLANE JUST CRASHED ON THE FIELD"



Damn you Skywalker!!!!



Kobyashi gets embarrased



Appearently I have something in common with Nancy Grace's crew. That is we both hate Nancy Grace



This video is some guy explaining how great the Banana is. I would love to hear him descbribe more vegtables. Since this video can never be topped, my work is done.

BaldingReport Out.

Helping The Poor

Earlier today I was checking my tally meter to see how many people had visited my blog and i saw that of the 541 people who checked my blog on Saturday, over 500 of them were from third world nations.

While I am not sure what draws poor people to the BaldingReport, i do feel sympathy for them. It is because of this sympathy that I am offering these readers a chance to escape their poverty by posting my picks for week 1 of the college football season. By betting on the teams I tell them to, the poor people who read the BaldingReport will not only be able to feed their families, but will also tell their friends about their successes. Then those friends will log onto the BaldingReport and start making money off of my gambling predictions and the cycle will continue to grow. Note to Bush Administration: This is how you nation build

As a convenience to my readers I have made picks for every college football game in week 1. (just in case the local bookie in New Delhi only offers a few games)

In case some of you don't know gambling symbols, I listed the team you should bet on is listed on the left and is in bold.

For example the first game that is listed is a game where Miami of Ohio is at Ball State. Miami OH is the underdog by 6 points hence they have the +6 by their name. If Miami were favored to win the game by 6, they would have a -6 by there name instead of the +6. The team that you should bet on is always listed on the left.

Anyway its on to the picks!!

Miami OH +6 @ Ball State
The Ghost of Ben Rothelsberger leads Miami to the victory

Buffalo +32 @ Rutgers
Hopefully Buffalo borrows some players from the Bills

Mississippi State +18.5 vs LSU
LSU lost 4 1st round picks, and breaks in a new QB in conference opener

Iowa State -3.5 vs Kent State
Iowa is a better state than Kent

Utah State +7 vs UNLV
Mormons > Prostitutes

Utah +7 @ Oregon State
OSU copies Oregon again by deciding to go with a 2 QB system

Tulsa -4 @ UL-Monroe
Just trust me on this, Tulsa is actually good

Navy -21 @ Temple
Support our troops (ok, support our sailors)

Syracuse +3 vs Washington
Syracuse is less bad, and at home

Western Michigan +24 @ West Virginia
Western Michigan had the #6 ranked defense in the country in 2006

Virginia Tech -24 vs East Carolina
Vick runs kennel at Lane stadium so be sure to bring pet for family fun

Miami -18 vs Marshall
The U has like 19 potential first round picks on roster

UAB +20 @ Michigan State
Michigan State never quite puts it together

Connecticut -5 @ Duke
This would be a great basketball match up

Wyoming +4.5 vs Virginia
Virginia is the worst team in the ACC

Nevada +21 @ Nebraska
first ever meeting between "N" states

Ole Miss -2.5 @Memphis
The worst team in the SEC is still better than a 2-10 C-USA team

Northern Iowa +12 vs Iowa
Kirk Ferentz is a wannabe Mike Bellotti

Oregon -14 vs Houston
Bellotti is 7-1 in last 8 non-conference home games vs spread

Wisconsin -14 vs Washington State
Alex Brink is QB for WSU which is all you need to know

Georgia Tech +2.5 @ Notre Dame
Not even Bean Cook thinks ND can win this one

Missouri -5 @ Illinois
Battle for St. Louis

Stanford +17 vs UCLA
Sadly for Bruins, best passer at UCLA is Kevin Love

Boston College -6 vs Wake Forest
Jesuits beat non-believing liberal art students

Arizona +5.5@BYU
As long as Tuitama plays, Arizona will surprise

Akron -5-5 vs Army
Don't support the troops in week 1

UCF +7.5 @ N.C. State
I just flipped a coin on this one

Baylor +21 @TCU
Only Baylor player drafted in the past 5 years was the Punter

Georgia -6 vs Oklahoma State
Hershel Walker vs Barry Sanders

Central Michigan +7.5 @ Kansas
Even just the central part of Michigan is better than Kansas

Colorado -2.5 vs Colorado State
Colorado will surprise in the Big 12

Pitt -20 vs Eastern Michigan
Nobody really cares about this game, but Eastern Michigan stinks

Purdue -7 @ Toledo
Purdue returns like 30 starters

Auburn -13 vs Kansas State
Auburn is already complaining about the BCS Rankings

Minnesota -14.5 vs Bowling Green
Remember when Urban Meyer was at Bowling Green

Cal -6 vs Tennessee
Not even protesters can slow Cal down

Utep +3 vs New Mexico
Mike Price will be so happy after this one that he will be with two strippers not just 1

San Jose State +14.5 @Arizona State
Revenge for Dick Tomey

USC -45 vs Idaho
Haves vs Have nots

FIU +37.5 vs Penn State
Paterno will actually coach this one from his casket

Texas -38.5 vs Arkansas State
Vince Young's forehead could be Arkansas State

Oklahoma -40 vs North Texas
OU President demands forfeit before game even starts

UL-Lafayette-29 @South Carolina
South Carolina starting QB is suspended so go with underdog

Troy +24 @Arkansas
All of Arkansas good players transferred to USC

FAU -2 vs MTSU
I dont even know what these abbreviations mean

Texas Tech - 8.5 @SMU
Texas Tech finally lives up to its legendary PS2 status

Clemson +3 vs FSU
Always bet against the old Bowden

BaldingReport Out.

Crab Apples

Justin finally moved out today and its so sad, I cry myself to sleep thinking about him........

FALSE, I do not miss him. Moving on,

Fall is just around the corner and you know what that means: Crab Apple Season. I’m getting hungry just thinking about them. These little buggers pop up all over the place and nobody wants them because people are idiots. As a result, they’re absolutely free, which is my favorite price of all.

Anyway, farmers usually get mad when I help myself to their apples but when I’m picking up crab apples, I’m a real American hero to them. Plus, crab apples are useful in all situations. You can use them in jelly or applesauce or one time I cut myself real bad trying to get over some razor wire. Took out a crab apple, sliced it in half, rubbed it on my wounds and a few minutes later I was better than new.

I can’t think of anything else in my life that I look forward to more than Crab Apple Season. If you’re looking for a free nutritious food that’s available without dealing with the jerks at the grocery store, you really can’t beat crab apples. Stay away from Eugene though, because those crabbies belong to me.

Side Note: Crab apples have nothing to do with real crabs. I don’t want to get into some kind of lawsuit because you made an idiotic assumption, so I’m setting the record straight right now. Crab apples contain no actual crabmeat. There you go.

Baldingreport Out

Week 1 Pac Ten Football

Season Openers

Note: This information is provided for entertainment purposes only and is not to be used by any NBA referees.

Utah at Oregon State: Thursday August 30 Eager Beavers anxious to continue rare winning ways. Mountain West members are not able to compete with Pac 10 teams week in and week out according to Bellotti. Luckily for the Utes, this is only week 1. Utah – 32, OSU – 16

Washington at Syracuse: Friday August 31
The Huskies make a rare appearance on crystal clear ESPN HD as the Jake Locker era gets underway. ESPN will run a montage matching Jake Locker in computer match ups against Joe Montana and Dan Marino to see who is the greatest virtual quarterback of all time. After the game the Huskies will have a new appreciation for the Johnny Durocher era.
UW – 10, Syracuse – 23

Houston at Oregon: Saturday September 1
Ducks are looking to bounce back from annual late season collapse. Wait for it……Wait for it..….3……..2……..1……and Stewart tweaks hammy.
Houston - 17, Oregon – several interceptions but enough points to cover the spread

Tennessee at California: Saturday September 1
Cal is looking for revenge over the Vols, who are making a rare SEC appearance west of the Mississippi. Un-remodeled Protest Stadium should be packed with hippies chained to trees as leftist elements continue to fight Jeff Tedford’s efforts to bring big time football to the bay. Tedford vows to fight to the death, or at least until there is hot water in the coach’s shower.
Cal 31, Rocky Top 21

WSU at Wisconsin: Saturday September 1
Badgers are looking for revenge for all those Bennetts ending up in Pullman. Cougars are looking for respect. As usual, there is none to be found. On the flipside Bill Doba is a great guy. Wisconsin - 42, WSU – 2 six packs

The mother of all posts

I know I have not posted in 10 days, but this post will encompass everything that happened in those past ten days. So before we go any further I recommend that everyone reading this go to the bathroom or grab a snack because your going to be locked in at your computer for the next 20 minutes or so.

I would like to start off with some BREAKING NEWS here on the BaldingReport. I have confirmed through several sources that Oregon State WR Sammie Stroughter is transferring to Sacramento State because he is upset that one of his teammates got kicked off the team for getting arrested on a gun charge. (Another story I am breaking weeks ahead of the traditional print media I might add). Most people probably don't care about me breaking this story early, but to all you savvy readers out there this story is worth at least $40. How??

Through GAMBLING on College Football!!!!

Last year i predicted every game in the college football season against the spread and I predicted over 58% of the games correctly. In other words I am a better gambler than that Robin De Niro character from Casino.

Oregon State opens the season at home against Utah in a game where OSU is a 7 point favorite. This line however assumes that Oregon State is going to have its 3rd team all-american WR available for the game to help out its new Quarterback. Once the news breaks that Stroughter is transferring, the point spread on the game will shift dramatically in Utah's favor because they are much more likely to win if Stroughter is out. HOWEVER, if readers of the BaldingReport go bet on Utah right now, they will lock in at the current spread ensuring that they will have an edge of every other gambler in the country.

Seeing as I watch more college football than anyone in the country, and have more inside information than Tim Donaghy, people who want to make money this fall should also bet on the following teams in week 1. (winners on the left)

Syracuse +3 vs Washington

San Jose State +14.5 vs ASU

California -6 vs Tennessee

Colorado -3 vs Colorado State

Arizona +7 vs BYU

Boston College -6 vs Wake Forest

Buffalo +31.5 vs Rutgers

Right before the start of the season I will post my picks for all the week 1 games, but these are the games that are such obvious winners you would be foolish to not put your money down immediately. Also if anyone wants to kickback some extra cash here to the BaldingReport for the free gambling advice I wont complain.

In other breaking news I have pulled a Billy Donovan and instead of going to work for Lithia, I am instead going to work for the IRS. Not only do I get roughly 30 days off per year (Plus Federal Holidays like Columbus day), but I will be doing exactly the same work that Will Ferrell was doing in his movie Stranger Than Fiction. In my desire to emulate him I was looking for a job as an Anchorman in San Diego, as a founding member of a fraternity, or even as a sex addicted skater, but I guess tax auditor is as close to him as I can get.

Moving on to Politics, I was very excited last week when I found out that for the first time, I had been viciously slandered in someone else's blog. I expected the first attack on me to come from a jealous wannabe blogger and I was right. The attack came from my cousin Christopher Balding who started the original BaldingReport but was forced to shut it down when he realized nobody cared about him. Here is what he said about me

"I have a cousin let's call him Michael who make Dennis Kucinich look like a right wing Republican. He hasn't gotten a real job yet or paid taxes and as Winston Churchill said everyone eventually becomes a conservative so I am not that worried. He however maintains a blog of his own which I am going to plug here. You can find his blog at thebaldingreport.blogspot.com. Not that inventive of a name is it?Though I don't know if "Michael" has written about this next point, I am going to mention it for him. "Michael" believes we should get out of Iraq, not an unusual position by any means, but you want to know why? Because al-qaeda has said that if we leave the Middle East they will leave us alone. Now I have written a blog on why we should leave Iraq, but if you believe that al-qaeda will leave us alone if we leave Iraq, I have some beach front property in Nebraska I'd like to sell you."

Lets examine Chris' claims bit by bit.

1) With regards to me not having a real job: I work for the IRS. Chris shouldn't be surprised when he finds an Audit headed his way.

2) With regards to the name of my blog: I don't deny that the name came from his failed blog of several years ago. Everyone would admit however that it is harder to resurrect something that died than to succeed with something brand new.

3) The third point Chris tries to make is about my Iraq position. First off lets put this debate in context. In February 2003 I went down to Phoenix for Spring training and to visit Chris. While I was down there, him and I got into a big debate about the upcoming war in Iraq. I astutely told him that there were no WMD's in Iraq, that Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11, and that we would get bogged down there if we invaded. Chris of course just spouted off like a republican lackey and i destroyed him on our little debate. And of course all of my points turned out to be true. So in the debate about Iraq, lets just remember who has the credibility about the situation.

Chris also stated that I want the US out of Iraq because "Al Qaeda promised to not follow us home". Not true at all. I want the US out of Iraq for the following reason. The rational behind the surge(and our troop presence in general) was to create a climate in Iraq where a political solution could be attained. This was done because everyone has said that the solution to Iraq is a political solution and not military solution. According to all reports the military has indeed created a stable climate so such a political solution can be reached. However the Iraqi government is unwilling to hammer out any sort of compromise. So if the solution to Iraq is a political solution, and the military has created a climate for a political solution to be possible and the political solution still won't happen, then why in the world would the US military stay in Iraq??????????????

The US should get out of Iraq and create a Federal System there (Like in Bosnia) because any hope of having a central government in Iraq ended when the Iraqi Parliament was unable to reach agreement despite the best efforts of the US military to ensure a climate where such an agreement could be reached.

The US tried to create a central government in Iraq, failed, and as consequence should leave or try something else before any more people die. That is why we should get out of Iraq, not because of some bullshit Al-Qaeda promise.

Moving on,

In other political news Rudy Giuliani hired a completely crazy person to be his chief policy advisor. Giuliani hired Norman Podhoretz who has openly advocated for bombing Iran "as soon as is logistically possible." Podhoretz also has stated on more than one occasion that he believes the US is currently in World War 4. World War 4?!??!?! How did I miss World War 3??? I have to admit that I am somewhat skeptical of anyone who is two world wars ahead of everyone else. I can accept 1 World War, but 2 is just to far.

It also frustrates me to see Giuliani so hawkish on the war because I honestly feel he would be a good president on domestic issues but his war policy reminds me of a kid playing the game Risk.

In more political news Karl Rove just randomly resigned a few days ago. I think this was a saving face move by Rove. By leaving before the end of Bush's second term he creates the illusion of a disgruntled employee leaving because he disagrees with the bosses policies. Of course we all know that to be bullshit, but by leaving now Rove can probably catch on some 2008 race, and begin to reinvent himself.

On a related note about Karl Rove, I have to say purely from his physical appearance he looks like one of the dumbest sons of bitches on the planet. He honest to god looks like a cross between someone with down syndrome, and one of those people who is so fat that it looks like their skin is falling off their face.

http://www.peacebuttons.info/E-News/images/KarlRove.gif

Look at that picture, tell me that isn't a 50 year old guy with down syndrome.

Anyway like Jim Rome, BaldingReport out.

AFL-CIO Democratic Debate

Tonight is the AFL-CIO Democratic Debate. Tonight's debate is being moderated by Keith Oblermann. Olbermann is a big name right now (and a love interest of my dad) so it will be interesting to see how aggresively he attacks the candidates who don't answer the questions.

On a side note Mike Gravel was not invited to the debate after he refused to fill out the questionaire.

Anyway its off to the debate!

901PM Appearently the debate is taking place outside at Soldier Field in Chicago. Seeing as I have already seen two people with beer dispensing hats, it seems that tonights crowd could be frenzied.

903PM Senator Dodd gets the first question about infastructure, and starts talking about Star Wars missile defense. This could be a long night.

907PM Clinton faces looks like its metling. She definitely needs another botox shot. The country will never vote for a women that looks like a 60 year old waitress.

908PM Biden says that more than 25,000 American's travel in tunnels each day that have no lights or exits. Thanks for telling the terrorists Joe.

914PM Kucinich says that we should get out of NAFTA and that he is there as the workers candidate.

917PM Richardson starts telling the crowd about what he did as govenor of New Mexico. Based on all he has said he did as Govenor one would think New Mexico would have flying cars made of gold by now.

920PM Samudio's albino girlfriend comes in and ruins my flow. Not only does she make all sorts of animal noises, her voice has a Southern twang to it that makes her sound like a meth addict.

924PM Kucinich tries to incite a riot talking about his Rainbow Coalition. It definitely sounds like Kucinich will be throwing bricks at the next WTO riot.

928PM Richardson refuses to say that China is an enemy or an ally, instead choosing to call them a "strategic competitor". I would call them "the worlds best firework factory"

1030PM Biden says that China "owns the mortgage" on our house, and Hilary piggybacks on his response. Hilary knows she is the frontrunner right now and is just trying to say as little as possible and bandwagon on everyone who makes a good point.

937PM Richardson talks about how he would deal with Iraq. He begins "well I was govenor of New Mexico and when I invaded Arizona..."

940PM I wonder what John Edwards has been doing since 2004?? Probably a lot of graduation speeches.

943PM Obama has promised to do like 5 different on his first day in office. That will be a tough day for him.

945PM How can Clinton say the Iraq War is George Bush's war when she voted for it and still thinks her vote was a good vote.

946PM Obama plays his trump card to his opponnents by saying "how can all these people criticize me when they were the architects of the worst foreign policy disaster in the past 30 years" Its a good message but Obama needs to be careful of running his campaign on that sentiment beceause if people cared about what people were doing in March of 2003 with regards to Iraq than he and Kucinich would be killing the rest of the field.

948PM Clinton draw boo's for criticizing Obama on his Iraq sentiment. I keep wondering who her supporters are because I have not found one person who actually likes her. She is like Brady Quinn in that everybody thought he wass overrated yet he somehow remained the most popular player in college football.

953PM The first question from the crowd is suprisingly about the safety of mines in America. Biden gets this difficult question and instead starts talking about Iraq. That was a blunder on his part because he completely ignored a legitimate question. He rightfully got booed.

957PM Kucinich says "under the workers White House in the Kucinich administration"

1011PM The debate has moved to the part where every question is about health care or workers rights. Its stupid to have questions like that in the debate because who out there is going to say to a cripple "to bad you cut off your leg in your lawnmower but DEAL WITH IT"

1015PM All the union people that are asking questions are people who lost their jobs or have diseases. This is going to turn into a lovefest for unions and workers.

1021PM Olberman to Clinton "you said lobbyists were regular people, so why are they paid so much more than the average??" Burnnnnnnnn

1023PM Dodd is surprisingly on his game tonight, he is like a career .260 hitter but he hit a couple of home runs tonight. In keeping with the sport themes Kucinich is like Jason Bay in that he would be a star if he was Senate, but instead toils in obscurity in the House much like Bay does with the Pirates.

1028PM Clinton's plan for New Orleans "put someone in charge who cares". Sounds good to me. Additional it sounds like a pretty good improvement over the current plan of "putting someone in charge who hates black people"

1030PM Kucinich compares himself to Seabiscut and then says that after he wins the the presidency in 08 everyone will be to scared of him in 2012 to run against him. Godwilling.

BaldingReport out.

Republican Debate

Today is the 2nd Republican Debate of the political season and will be moderated by ABC's George Stephanopoulos. The Republican debates are more jumbled than the Democratic ones because they have more candidates so hopefully the candidates get desperate for airtime and start throwing haymakers at each other.

Anyhow its off to the debate!!

3:35PM Apparently there is only 9 Republican candidates left in the field as Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the field. I am sure the 90 Gilmore supporters are devastated.

3:37PM The debate opens up with George reading off the poll ratings of the candidates. Duncan Hunter checks in at 1%.

338PM Mitt Romney and Sam Brownback open up the debate by debating whether or not Romney is actually pro life. Its pretty said for Brownback that his only issue in this election is that Romney isn't pro-life enough, plus he has an eery resemblance to John Mark Karr.

342PM After attacking Brownback for his position, Romney then turns around says he thinks its wrong for candidates to speak about the other candidates and refuses to attack Giuliani. I think Romney just set the record for fastest flip-flop in a debate. He checked in at just under 4 minutes before the flip flop.

344PM Giuliani gives his stance on Abortion and basically says that he think its a choice a women and her doctor should make. He gets a labored response from the crowd who seems to be thinking "we are Republicans but he makes a good point"

345PM Ron Paul gets massive applause for saying that the Iraq War is flawed and we should come home. You would think as the only Republican candidate who is adamantly against the war he would be polling at higher than 4%. I guess the fact that he looks like Micky Mouse really hurts him.

350PM John Mccain gets a question that basically asks him "If Iraq completely falls apart will you support the surge" His response "of course". McCain is a smart guy but I just don't see how anyone can say they will support the war effort no matter what happens. That is like saying I support Mike Bellotti even if he goes 1-10. At some point you have to acknowledge reality.

357PM Tom Tancredo goes beserk by telling the moderator that "i flew a long way for this debate and wonder if it was worth it" he then uses his time to tell the crowd that the US needs to change the rules of engagement in order to win in Iraq. I am not really sure what he means by that statement, but its scary to think about.

359PM Tommy Thompson thinks the applause for Tancredo was for him and begins his response by saying "thank you" before akwardly pausing for 5 seconds.

401PM Romney makes a big blunder in my opinion by interrupting Ron Paul's anti-Iraq speech by saying "did you forget about 9-11". Pretty much every rational person knows Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 and by appearing to link the two Romney could lose lots of support among moderates.

403PM Huckabee says that we should either give America the health plan that Congress has, or give Congress the health care plan that America has. Instead of switching health care plans I think we should just go out and spray paint all these candidates mansions and fill them with crack whores.

405pM Hunter opens his speech on health care by saying "lets get back to freedom". I didn't know we had gone away from it.

410PM Romney says that Castro is one of the world worst tyrants. Someone needs to tell Romney that the world has changed since 1965. Plus Castro is on IV bags right now, hard to lump him in with Kim Jong Ill.

414PM Duncan Hunter says that we need Pakistan's help to root out Al-Qaeda in Pakistan because they are hiding out in mountains that are 16,000 feet high, and are at to high an elevation for our army. I think we should just give the local Sherpa's rocket launchers and tell them happy hunting.

417PM Huckabee answers a question with some weird phrase that is reminiscent of the character the Sphinx from Mystery Men. "If you find what you are looking for, you will be looking for something you found"

421PM ABC has now shown Romney's wife twice now and she isn't even hot. I wish they would show Giuliani's mistress.

423PM Tancredo says he doesn't care about educating our children or insuring the people in America but only cares about protecting them. Tancredo is like the guy at the bar who is already way drunk and knows he will be hungover regardless of what he does so he just keeps on drinking.

426PM The moderator is a former Clinton advisor and its obvious that he hates all the candidates. He keeps harping on minor differences between the candidates and the debate has turned into a snipfest instead of focusing on the large issues.

433 McCain starts talking about the Vice Presidential office and says that he has be considered for the post several times. With McCain's age and his desire to hold a post higher than the senate he would seem to be an ideal vice president for both Giuliani and Romney given his experience and appeal to some democrats.

437PM Apparently there is something called a fair tax that would replace all income taxes and capital gains taxes with a 23% sales tax. First off this would absolutely fuck poor people. Secondly, the rationale behind this new tax system is to prevent bad people (drug dealers, prostitutes) from earning tax free income. I hate to break it the Republicans but i don't think people become drug dealers because of the tax advantages.

443PM In a question that asks the candidates what their biggest mistake was, Giuliani is the only one who tells the truth by saying he will only answer the question if he can answer it in a confessional booth.

449 PM In answering a question about what he would restore to the White House, Duncan Hunter looks like he is posing for a Kidsports picture. "Hands behind your back!"

454 On a related note, Duncan Hunter looks exactly like a corrupt politician should look like.

457PM the debate ends as no candidate really stood out. I guess if I had to pick someone it would be Giuliani just because he seems to be the most rational of all the candidates.

48th Post

Jeremy with Bert Sugar of Rocky fame



My picture of Senator Jim Bunning.
While the picture appears slightly out of focus,
I can assure you that it was Jim Bunning who was
out of focus and not my camera.



Tomorrow I will be blogging the Republican Debate that will air on ABC at 10:30 AM. The candidates are definitely getting desperate as just yesterday Tom Tancredo said that he would bomb the holy city of Mecca to prevent terror attacks. If he said something that crazy BEFORE the debate, just imagine what he has in store for the actual debate.

For all the readers demanding more of me, here is a little poem i wrote just for you.

Bridges are falling, don't see no sun;
George Bush is out there just having fun.
Were stuck in a war that could go on forever
The tricks that got us here sure were clever
There are mysteries out there I just can't express:
Like why he blew up the levies just to keep us surpressed.
After 9/11 at his Ranch out in Crawford
He took advantage of all this country was offered
I know President Bush is the commander-in-chief
But even I think we should put in the backup named Leaf

BaldingReport Out

Where in the World is Michael Balding

I have been on vacation these past two weeks and I have learned some very important lessons about myself and the world

#1) I hate the sun. Not only did I get sunburned every time I was outside for more than 30 seconds, but i got so tan that I now look like I belong to two different races. This is a picture of my arm and well the picture speaks for itself.

#2) I learned that I am a terrible shitter. I always thought I took care of business in the bathroom but apparently there are three standards in place to measure shits, and I failed on all three. The standards are:
A) An ideal shit curls around itself forming a semi-circle.
B) An ideal shit hits the water with such force that the water should splash back up and hit the skin of the person taking the shit.
C) Shits should be as wide as your middle and right finger put together.

I was told that if your shit fails any of these standards than your health is in serious jeopardy.

While I think these are Universal standards my readers in other countries (especially North Korea) should check to see what the standards are in their homeland because I don't want to be blamed for a worldwide Proctocology scare.

#3) The most random person I met while on vacation would have to be either Larry Merchant or Jim Bunning.

Bert Sugar is a legendary boxing announcer who I recognized from his appearence in the movie "Rocky Balboa". In the movie Sugar was the only announcer who picked Rocky's opponnent Mason Dixon to win, and when I asked him what he thought of the fight in the movie he lashed out at me saying "How the fuck did Rocky get a split decision loss, he got knocked down 3 fucking times". He then proceeded to break down the entire fight for me and ended his tirade by letting me know that "Rocky was a punk fighter who was lucky to get as far as he did"

Jim Bunning is US Senator from Kentucky and is regularly regarded as the most conservative senator in the Senate. I was able to snap a great picture of Bunning, looking as if he literally didn't know where he was. I was estatic to see Bunning because of this quote I rememered from him.

"Civil Liberties dont mean anything if your dead"- Jim Bunning

Shortly after i saw Bunning he returned to the Senate where he cast the ONLY no vote on bill that increased the reward for catching Osama Bin Laden. His rationale for voting no was "we already decided he was important". And to think he is in the Baseball Hall of Fame and Mark McGwire isn't.

Anyway that is all I have for now....I promise to update the blog everday from here on out seeing as all I am doing nothing nowadays other than playing Wii Bowling.

BaldingReport out.