I have been on vacation these past two weeks and I have learned some very important lessons about myself and the world
#1) I hate the sun. Not only did I get sunburned every time I was outside for more than 30 seconds, but i got so tan that I now look like I belong to two different races. This is a picture of my arm and well the picture speaks for itself.
#2) I learned that I am a terrible shitter. I always thought I took care of business in the bathroom but apparently there are three standards in place to measure shits, and I failed on all three. The standards are:
A) An ideal shit curls around itself forming a semi-circle.
B) An ideal shit hits the water with such force that the water should splash back up and hit the skin of the person taking the shit.
C) Shits should be as wide as your middle and right finger put together.
I was told that if your shit fails any of these standards than your health is in serious jeopardy.
While I think these are Universal standards my readers in other countries (especially North Korea) should check to see what the standards are in their homeland because I don't want to be blamed for a worldwide Proctocology scare.
#3) The most random person I met while on vacation would have to be either Larry Merchant or Jim Bunning.
Bert Sugar is a legendary boxing announcer who I recognized from his appearence in the movie "Rocky Balboa". In the movie Sugar was the only announcer who picked Rocky's opponnent Mason Dixon to win, and when I asked him what he thought of the fight in the movie he lashed out at me saying "How the fuck did Rocky get a split decision loss, he got knocked down 3 fucking times". He then proceeded to break down the entire fight for me and ended his tirade by letting me know that "Rocky was a punk fighter who was lucky to get as far as he did"
Jim Bunning is US Senator from Kentucky and is regularly regarded as the most conservative senator in the Senate. I was able to snap a great picture of Bunning, looking as if he literally didn't know where he was. I was estatic to see Bunning because of this quote I rememered from him.
"Civil Liberties dont mean anything if your dead"- Jim Bunning
Shortly after i saw Bunning he returned to the Senate where he cast the ONLY no vote on bill that increased the reward for catching Osama Bin Laden. His rationale for voting no was "we already decided he was important". And to think he is in the Baseball Hall of Fame and Mark McGwire isn't.
Anyway that is all I have for now....I promise to update the blog everday from here on out seeing as all I am doing nothing nowadays other than playing Wii Bowling.
BaldingReport out.
