USC Oregon

OK so i admit my Boise Oregon pick was wrong, but i still believe Oregon would have demolished Boise if two things hand't happened.

1) Jeremiah Masoli getting knocked out with a concussion. Not only would Oregon scored a lot more points, but once it became obvious that Harper couldn't throw the ball, you could see feel the air get sucked out of the stadium and that is when the defense gave up. If Masoli stays in and Oregon actually believes they can win the whole game, there is no way Boise scores 37 points.

2) Walter Thurmond plays. As evidenced by his two interceptions against WSU, WT3 is really good. And as evidenced by his play against Boise, Talmadge Jackson is not. By my count Jackson gave up at least 3 long passes, and wiffed on a couple of tackles that Thurmond surely would have made. No way the Boise QB does what he does if Thurmond is in there.

Now with that being said, Boise is obviously better than I thought, but i still feel they lose by two TD's if Thurmond and Masoli play.

All that being said, the Boise game really is pretty inconsequential to what bowl Oregon plays in this season. Oregon wasn't going to go undefeated, and no one from the pac ten was going to a BCS at large bowl given the perceived weakness of the league. So in order to avoid the Holiday Bowl, Oregon would had to have run the table. With 5 conference road games that simply wasn't going to happen. Oregon still has a decent shot to win the league and go to the Rose Bowl, but any dreams about them being a BCS at large were shot down the day the league went -5 agasint the MWC.

This week Oregon plays @ a really pissed of USC team. Its still hard to gauge how good USC is exactly. Virginia is as bad as WSU so beating them doesn't mean anything. Obviously USC loooked crappy in losing to Oregon State, and the Ohio State win has lost some luster. Still its hard to think that USC is anything less than a legitiamte top 10 team.

Oregon on the other hand could be really good or really bad. All the peices seem to be there except at the QB position. I would actually argue that outside of the linebackers, and QB, Oregon will have as much starting talent as USC. Of course Oregon is also one hit on the QB to being forced to play two true freshman.

I am not sold on USC (especially their offense) so I think this game will actually be close for awhile. Of course Oregon's defense sucks on the road so USC will still score 35 points, it will just take them 4 quarters to do it. On the other side of the ball Oregon wont do anything offensively unless jeremiah Masoli is actually really good, which i doubt. Oregon will get a cheap touchdown sometime during the game to keep it from getting to out of hand, but USC will pull away late to win big.

Oregon 10 USC 38.

For my loyal fans I also made picks for every game this week against the spread. I actually picked games last week but didn't post them which is good because I only went 17-24. So if you gambe on my picks you are still making money!

Week 5 picks


Week 5
Michigan State -7 vs Iowa
Akron -4 @ Kent State
Minnesota -7 vs Indiana
Georgia Tech -14 vs Duke
NC State +8 vs Boston College
Rutgers +14 @ West Virginia
Penn State -14 @ Purdue
Baylor +25 vs Oklahoma
Florida -26 @ Arkansas
Kansas -12 @ Iowa State
Western Kentucky +28 @ Virginia Tech
Western Michigan -7 vs Ohio
UNLV +1.5 @ Colorado State
Mississippi -2.5 vs South Carolina
Notre Dame -7 vs Stanford
Tulane -20.5 vs Army
Miami -2 vs Florida State
Arizona State +9 @ Cal
Temple +7 @ Miami OH
Illinois +3 @ Michigan
Kentucky +16 @ Alabama
Kansas State +8 vs Texas Tech
UCF -13.5 vs SMU
Air Force -4.5 vs Navy
Eastern Michigan +20.5 @ Bowling Green
Nevada +24 @ Idaho
TCU -25 vs San Diego State
Vanderbilt +4.5 vs Auburn
North Carolina -7.5 vs UCONN
UL Lafayette -3 @ UL Monroe
Colorado +12.5 vs Texas
So Miss -7 vs UTEP
Maryland -14 @ Virginia
FIU -6.5 @ North Texas
Ball State -7.5 @ Toledo
Tennessee -16.5 vs Northern Illinois
Texas AM +26 @ Oklahoma State
Arizona -24.5 vs Washington
USC -17 vs Oregon
Ohio State -2 @ Wisconsin
Rice +17 @ Tulsa
Nebraska +11 vs Missouri
New Mexico -11.5 vs Wyoming
Fresno -21.5 vs Hawaii
UCLA -17.5 vs WSU

Boise Oregon

Oregon looks to continue its solid start this season against a solid, but vastly overrated Boise State team. Everyone is picking this game to be close, but these picks are based on two very flawed assumptions.

Assumption #1: Boise State is a solid team, both offensively and defensively.

HA!! The assumption that Boise State is actually good is mindboggling to me. Lets deal with the offense first.

Not only is Boise Starting 4 new offensive lineman, but they also are starting a redshirt freshman QB. Considering oregon held Jake Locker to 10-28, and Curtis Painer to 26-50 with two INTS (and he is prolly a top 5 QB nationally) I would not ancipate the Boise State QB to do much. The Purdue defensive performance is even more impressive considering it happened on the road. All things considered I would be schocked if the Boise Qb threw for more than 150 yards and less than 3 INTS.

Moving on to the Boise State defense. Boise undoubtedly has a good WAC defense, but how have they done historically against BCS caliber teams?? The answer is not good. Dating Back to 2003, here is how Boise has done defensive against BCS Teams on the road

2003: @ Oregon State 26 points
2004: Louisville 44 points
2005: @ Georgia 41 points, @ Oregon State 30 points
2007@ Washington 24 points (Jake Lockers second game ever.)

Given the fact that Oregon is as good offensively as any of those schools is, I would be shocked if Oregon scored less than 30 points. Also Boise State is replacing 6 starters on defense, so they are probably not a well oiled machine this early in the season.

Even if Boise State scores 20 points (unlikely) there is virtually no chance that they will allow less than 30, which would still mean Oregon covers the spread.

Assumption #2: Oregon's offense will struggle without Justin Roper

HA!! another faulty assumption. By my count Chris Harper has been the quarterback for 4 full drives in short Oregon career. All 4 have resulted in TD's. Also is Chris Harper any worse of a QB than WVU QB Pat White??? So Far in the Colorado- WVU currently airing on ESPN, Pat White has negative passing yards, and WVU is still able to run the ball against a solid defense. I really dont forsee Boise being able to slow Harper, and the Oregon running game down at all.

Jeremiah masoli will play, and probably throw at least 1 INT, but he will also make some plays in the passing game. Against UW, he probably made really good decisions on 15 of the 18 passes that he threw (granted the other 3 should have been INTS) but he just overthrew the receivers. and his numbers could have been really good. Assuming he can be accurate on most of his attempts, I would anticipate Masoli going 12/20 for 150 yards and 1 or 2 INTS. I certainly dont think he will come out and absolutely suck like he did against Utah State. Also Masoli is enough of a runner where Oregon should still be able to run the ball effectively against Boise State with him in the game.

PREDICTION:

Oregon will win this game 42-13 doing the following:

1) close to 400 yards rushing

2) a kick return for a TD

3) a defensive TD

4) throwing 2 INTS, and turning the ball over a total of 3 times.

I also made picks for the rest of the games this week. If you aren't smart enough to figure out which team i picked, than you are definitely smart enough to read this blog and you probably actually enjoy it.


Week 3
Baylor +12 @ Uconn
Temple +28 @ Penn State
Boston College -10.5 vs Central Florida
Northwestern -11.5 vs Ohio
Cincinnati -11 vs Miami Ohio
Mississippi -7 vs Vanderbilt
Mississippi State +7.5 Georgia Tech
BYU -27.5 vs Wyoming
Auburn +2.5 vs LSU
Alabama -9 @ Arkansas
Southern Miss -7.5 vs Marshall
Houston -6 @ Colorado State
Rutgers -5.5 @ Navy
North Carolina -3.5 vs Virginia Tech
Pitt +1 vs Iowa
Wake Forest +4.5 @ Florida State
Michigan State -8.5 vs Notre Dame
Air Force +9 vs Utah
Tulsa -9.5 vs New Mexico
Ball State +3 @ Indiana
Purdue -10.5 vs Central Michigan
Akron +10.5 @ Army
Eastern Michigan +21.5 @ Maryland
Texas AM +3 vs Miami
NC State +7 vs ECU
Buffalo +33.5 @ Missouri
Toledo +7 vs Fresno
Rice +29 vs Texas
utah state -5.5 vs Idaho
SMU +24 vs TCU
Florida -7.5 @ Tennessee
ASU +6.5 vs Georgia
Iowa State +2 @ UNLV
San Jose State +8 @ Stanford
New Mexico State +7 @ UTEP
UCLA +3 vs Arizona
OSU -20.5 vs Troy
Middle Tennesee State +5.5 @ Arkansas State
Tulane -6 vs UL Monroe
Minnesota -6.5 vs FAU
FIU +28 vs South Florida
UL Lafayette -2.5 vs Kent State

Purdue Thoughts

Well a win is a win. The Purdue game went down pretty much as a I thought, except for the fact that Oregon won.

The one thing that did surprise me was how well the Oregon defense played. I was pretty confident that Painter would destroy the Oregon defense, but to my surprise Oregon shut him down. Given the fact that Oregon's defense really struggled on the road last year, the performance this past weekend was a definite surprise, and gives me hope for the rest of the season.

Also I don't think Roper's injury is that big of a deal for several reasons

1) Oregon can beat WSU and BSU with Chris Harper running the ball every single play
2) I still think Jeremiah Masoli will end up being the better QB than Roper long term
3) Roper isnt the long term answer at QB, someone else is (Masoli, Costa, or Harper)
4) Roper looks like some sort of flightless bird. Like an ostrich or maybe a Dodo.

I went 21-19 on my picks for the second straight week, meaning if you follow my betting advice you are now 2.5% richer than you previously were!

Also, I am told by some of my less than loyal readers that the format for my picks sometimes is confusing. This is because they are morons. Regardless i will try to make my picks more user friendly for these dumbasses in the future.

Week 3

Week 3 of the college football season rolls around this week with Oregon off to some god forsaken place in Indiana to play a football game. A lot of Oregon fans are expecting this to be a fairly easy 10-15 point win, but I am a lot smarter than those people so here is why Oregon will LOSE this game.

1) Oregon will give up more than 28 points.

Look at how Oregon's defense performed on the road last year.

Stanford- 31 points allowed
Michigan- Allowed 5 trips in the red zone in the first half
UW- 31 points allowed
Arizona 34 points allowed

The fact is that Oregon is a below average defense when they play on the road. Oregon gave up 30 points on the road 3 times last year to teams that are way worse offensively than Purdue, and Oregon's defense is no better this year than last.

2) Turnover differential

Justin Roper has throw 2 INTS in only 29 passing attempts against maybe the two worst teams in the country. Dennis Dixon threw 1 legitimate INT ALL LAST SEASON.

The most important stat in college football in TO differential and so far Oregob is -3 in TO differential despite playing two terrible teams. Last year After two games Oregon was +6 in TO differential and it was a trend that lasted all season. I am afraid that this year's TO trend will also continue all season.

3) Purdue is probably pretty good

Purdue starts a QB who will probably be the first QB drafted in the 2009 NFL Draft. Normally teams with really good QB's are pretty good. In fact only 1 QB has been drafted in the first round for a team that didn't make a bowl game in the past 8 years (Jay Cutler). So odds are that Purdue is probably pretty good.

So given the facts stated above I expect Purdue to beat Oregon, but I do expect a close game. Oregon has always showed up to play when they have travelled east @ Michigan State, @ Wisconsin, @ Michigan, so Oregon certainly won't get blown out.

I see a score of Purdue 34 Oregon 24.

I also made picks for every div 1 football game this weekend against the spread. I went 21-19-1 in week 1, so stike while I am riding hot!

Week 2
South Florida -3.5 vs Kansas
Baylor -2 vs Washington State
Duke -2 vs Navy
Rice +8 @ Vanderbilt
Mississippi State +10 vs Auburn
Ball State -7 @ Akron
Eastern Michigan -2 vs Toledo
Missouri -26.5 vs Nevada
Texas Tech -35.5 vs SMU
New Mexico State +26 @ Nebraska
UCLA +8 @ BYU
Purdue +8 vs Oregon
South Carolina +7 vs Georgia
Houston -4 vs Air Force
Oregon State -14 vs Hawaii
Fresno State +1.5 vs Wisconsin
Syracuse +28 vs Penn State
Notre Dame +2 vs Michigan
Iowa State +14 @ Iowa
Georgia Tech +6.5 @ Virginia Tech
Clemson -18.5 vs NCSU
Western Michigan -8 @ Idaho
Central Michigan -3 @ ohio
Cal -14 @ Maryland
Stanford +14 @ TCU
Buffalo -6.5 vs Temple
Tennessee -31 vs UAB
Tulane +13 vs East Carolina
Marshall -4 vs Memphis
Uconn -10.5 vs Virginia
Washington +21 vs Oklahoma
USC -11 vs OSU
Arizona -10.5 @ NM
Boise State -16.5 vs Bowling Green
Utah State +24.5 vs Utah
San Jose State -6.5 vs SDSU
ASU -23 vs UNLV
Michigan State -17 vs FAU
Alabama -28 vs Western Kentucky
Southern Miss +3 @ Arkansas State
MTSU +17.5 @ Kentucky
Illinois -25.5 vs UL-Lafayette
North Texas +42 @ LSU

Utah State

Some random thoughts from the Utah State game

-Yea Utah State is bad....but the way Oregon completely dominated them offensively is still pretty cool. Anytime you get 700 yards of total offense you have to be doing something right. Its pretty amazing that Oregon can roll to 700 yards of offense and some legit teams (Arkansas, North Carolina can barely move the ball on 1-AA teams.

-That being said, if Justin Roper gets injured Oregon is totally screwed. I thought Masoli looked pretty good against UW, but he really regressed in this game. Its clear he just doesn't have the comfort level that Roper has. Masoli could be good in time (even better than Roper), but he isn't the answer this season. If Roper gets hurt Oregon is right where they were last season after Dixon went down.

-Harper could be useful as a pure running threat, but anyone who throws the ball like that wont be effective for long stretches at a time

-Oregon's defense still looked pretty good. They haven't been dominate, but it is impressive that they haven't allowed a pass over 20 yards this season. Still no takaways outside the fumble late in the UW game is cause for concern.

- LaGerrate Blount actually wasn't that impressive to me given the hype he had. Kinda slow, but still better than Crenshaw.

-Terrance Scott appears to be a legitimate WR. Still dropped a couple of passes, but nice to see someone other than Williams be thrown the ball.

-The TV commentary was actually muched improved. I guess after 7 season seasons together Giansante and Newman finally figured out how to be average. The game actually streamed really good on the O-Zone, I had no problems at all.

- The purdue game opened with Oregon a 7 point favorite. That line seems a little high to me. I thought Oregon would be favored, but only by 4 or 5. I would bet that the line comes below 7 by kickoff.

Week 2

I missed week 1 of college football because I was to busy getting my haircut for the first time in several years. I went from the "stoner girl look" to the "lesbian going through Chemotherapy look" Sadly i am told the stoner girl was more appealing.

On to other news......

Christopher Balding is off traveling through Europe after the Republican Party refused to endorse him and provide him any funds for his campaign. Hopefully he remembers that he is traveling not as a candidate but as a citizen.

Also I was hanging out with some new people the other day and it was frightening to realize how the new lingo has passed me bye. Here I was thinking that I am in the know with what is going on but these people were using phrases I had never heard before like "he got that swag when he walks.” Anyway I came up with some new phrases that I can use when I hang out with cool people again.

Keep it bowlin’ – Everyone likes bowling (some WAY more than others), so this is a phrase for when you want to tell someone to stay positive. For example, if someone tells you they lost their job, you can just tell them to keep it bowlin’ and that’ll cheer them up.

Ploppers – This means bad. “Did you see that movie last night? It was ploppers.”

Horribly obese – I’m taking this one step further than the people i hung out with. They say things are fat all the time, so I took it a step further. In this case, it means the most beautiful ever. If a foxy dame comes walking in, you can call her horribly obese. I think it might take some time before it catches on, so use this one with caution because some broads may not have heard it yet and could take it the wrong way.

Willy fingers – Perhaps the hardest to explain, but you get willy fingers when you really want to fight someone. “When my neighbor was yelling at me for making to much noise, I really started getting willy fingers.” Your fingers start moving real fast and itching because they want to hit something – that’s the willy fingers.

Anyway.....

Oregon football opened their season up with a ho-hum 34 point win over Washington. I am pretty convinced after that game that Jeremiah Masoli will end up starting for the next 2 and a half years after the game. He just seems to have a swagger that Roper doesn't. Plus Roper is slower than a pregnant Rebecca Noble. I just keep seeing visions of Brady Leaf when Roper pulls down the ball to run.

I also made gambling picks for week 2 of the college football season. Remember gambling winnings are taxable so be sure to have one of your friends actually place the bet for you!

The winner is on the left (Note to all you dumbasses out there...these are picks against the spread not for who is gonna win straight up)

Michigan State -21 vs Eastern Michigan
Syracuse -4 vs Akron
Miami OH +14 @ Michigan
Duke +6 vs Northwestern
Georgia Tech +6.5 @ BC
West Virginia -8 @ East Carolina
Bowling Green -5 Minnesota
Southern Miss +18 @ Auburn
Nebraska -27 vs San Jose State
Tulane +29.5 @ Alabama
Oregon -35.5 vs Utah State
Cincy +22.5 @ Oklahoma
Ohio State -33.5 vs Ohio
Marshall +20.5 @ Wisconsin
Miami +23 @ Florida
Texas Tech -10 @ Nevada
Georgia -24 vs Central Michigan
Oregon State +15 @ Penn State
Air Force +3 @ Wyoming
Washington +9 vs BYU
Notre Dame -22 vs SDSU
Texas AM -2 @ New Mexico
Pittsburgh -13.5 vs Buffalo
Houston +15.5@ Oklahoma State
Kent State+7 @ Iowa State
Wake Forest -7.5 vs Ole Miss
Cal -13.5 @ Washington State
Western Michigan -6.5 vs Northern Illinois
South Florida -13.5 @ Central Florida
Temple +6.5 vs UCONN
Kansas -20.5 vs La Tech
Rice +3 @ Memphis
Utah -21.5 vs UNLV
Arizona -23 vs Arizona
Arizona State -14 vs Stanford
UTEP +26.5 vs Texas
FIU +26.5 @ Iowa
UL Monroe +13.5 @ Arkansas
North Texas -22 vs Tulsa
FAU -12.5 vs UAB
Middle Tennessee State +12.5 vs Maryland

Tosserton

Editors note: A lot of people think Tosserton is some new transformer, but if you people actually read instead of just looking at the pictures you will realize that is not the case.

I’ve been trying something new lately and it’s really put a new spin on how I go through my days. Instead of waking up ten minutes before work and wiping myself down with a damp paper towel, I’ve been waking up really early and going for walks all over town. You’d be amazed at how quiet this place is without people in it. I haven’t felt this peaceful in years.

I went over to Pilot Butte the other day at around 4am and even the geese were still asleep when I got there. I couldn’t believe my luck. It’s been a dream of mine for years to see how far I could throw a goose and this was the perfect opportunity. I’ve definitely learned that you’ve got to strike fast when dealing with sleeping animals because the element of surprise is your biggest weapon. (That old wives’ tale about letting sleeping dogs lie only applies if you don’t have a plan for after you wake up the dog. With geese, it’s the same story. You wake up a goose just for the fun of it, you’ll get pecked like no tomorrow. Their beaks are painful, man. You don’t want to find out first hand.

When I saw those geese getting some shuteye, I knew exactly what to do. I picked out one that looked like it might be lighter than some of the other ones. [Side note: Can we stop feeding the geese so many damn breadcrumbs? They’re plenty fat as it is.] I decided to name it “Tosserton,” because it seemed appropriate at the time and I find that I can throw things farther if they have a name. When I was sure that Tosserton was definitely asleep and not faking it like some women do, I picked out my landing zone and went in for the throw.

Goose tossing is a hard art to master and with no means to practice, I had to rely on what it looked like in my dreams. So I got a running start, went full steam ahead, picked up "Tosserton" and threw him (definitely a him) hammer-toss style as far as I could, spinning my body to get maximum torque. I was pretty freaked out about how flexible his neck was, but it ended up helping me get more distance than I would have otherwise. I’d say I got a good forty feet, which is shorter than I predicted, but still a pretty admirable toss in my opinion. Especially at 4 AM.

You should have heard Tosserton honking in the air. He righted himself right before hitting the ground and ended up just gliding to safety, so I didn’t have to feel bad about hurting Tosserton. After the goose landing, I was overcome with an enormous sense of completion. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I will say this: I don’t recommend goose-tossing to anyone unless you’ve had a steady series of dreams over the last twenty years about it. If you don’t have the instincts bred into you subconsciously, then you won’t be ready to do it. Its a mans sport and I am a man.

Uniforms

In my opinion, every job should have a uniform. Fast-food workers, gas station attendants, exterminators, these guys all have it covered already. Take my job, for instance. I know I’m not allowed to wear shorts, because every time I do, I get yelled at. I also can’t wear vests without shirts underneath. So I’m locked into wearing a certain combination of clothing every day, but there are just too many choices. Think of how many hours I waste a month deciding what to wear to work!!! Imagine how much time a clothing whore like Justin Samudio wastes, probably thousands of hours a year! If it were up to me, I’d implement an office worker uniform so you could just wake up every morning, go to your uniform closet, and three seconds later you’re all set.

Take my dad for instance. Now that he is retired he only works 3 hours a day, but because he doesn't have to a dress code, he isn't wasting time every morning deciding to what to wear, and so those 3 hours are really efficient. Plus with a uniform, nobody cares if you spill all over yourself. Everybody knows that a unfiform is just a really big napkin, so those veggie burrito stains just add character and pizzazz.

If i did get to design my own work uniform, it would consist of three items and three items only.

1. Navy blue sweatpants. These are the first item because they’re the most important. When I go home, the first thing I do is put on navy blue sweatpants. You can’t find a more comfortable piece of clothing. The color is great because you can spill all you want and nobody’s the wiser, it just all blends in. All in all, if the uniform doesn’t include navy blue sweatpants, I don’t want the job.

2. Comfy slippers. Right after I change into my navy blue sweatpants, I slide on my sheepskin-lined slippers. Talk about comfort! These little puppies make it feel like you’re walking on a field of soft paralyzed sheep – I say paralyzed only so you don’t picture the sheep as moving. If I could wear slippers to work every day, I’d probably start caring about my job.

3. A headband. All great basketball players were headbands, so isn't it only natural that all great office employees would wear headbands too???

These three items could change the workplace as we know it. I’m serious, America. Just think about how much more productive we would be as a country if all office-workers wore navy blue sweatpants, headbands, and comfy slippers. We’d be a comfortably dressed productivity superpower, and honestly, isn’t that what all this fighting is about anyway?

BALDINGWATCH- Day 20 something

In light of my campaign to keep him out of Congress, Christopher Balding has not updated his blog since June 13th. He probably can't afford to operate his website anymore after his quotes saying he hated children got leaked on this very blog. Plus my Dads $50 campaign donation probably went to an electric shaver after that picture of his got propped up everywhere

Chris claims that he should be elected because of his background in Economics. His supposed breakthrough came when he wrote a report last year about soverign wealth funds, Chris claims that these sovereign wealth funds are much smaller than anyone originally thought

The problem with Chris' report (which you can waste time reading here) is that he fails to take into account any money that these funds farmed out for management to external fund managers. By using data from the US Treasury department (Trust me, they dont have accurate records, I would know) he only captures money's that are within the fund, not any money that has been outsourced to banks, or fund managers. Given that fact that funds the size of these soveign wealth funds traditionally have over half their value being managed by outside fund managers, its obvious that the treasury data doesn't show the whole picture. So of course the Treasury data won't match up with what these funds report, because the data shows less than 50% of what these funds actually control! Therefore any claim Chris makes about these funds overreporting their assets is baseless because it relies on totally irrelevent and incomplete data.

I give Chris an A+ effort for trying on his paper, (after all he did writeover 100 pages!), but if he wants a seat at the big boy table, he will have write a paper that takes at least 2 paragraphs to disprove, not just 1.

Sea Creatures

Salutations, weblog reader. I hope you are reading this at home and not during working hours because this weblog entry has nothing to do with your job, unless you are a marine biologist. I will allow self-employed people to read, but that is a slippery slope.

Why do Japanese people hate octopi??? I have never understood this. I was reading several Japanese haikus this afternoon and I noticed a very central theme. Sailor marries women, Sailor goes out to sea, octopus kills sailor, giant octopus goes and rapes the widowed wife with its tentacles. This plot doesn’t make any sense. It paints giant octopi as if they’re these terriblecreatures, not content to just kill sailors, but also to seek out and infiltrate the Japanese widows. This baffles me. This saddens me.

The mighty octopus should be respected, not depicted as some horrible marine rapist. If you need to demonize a sea creature, make it the horrendous jellyfish, which provides not jelly but dangerous stings.

Please children, go be friends with the octopi around the world. They will provide you with endless fun by changing colors, and even taste good when properly cooked.

Constituent

Christopher Balding has asked constituents to submit him questions via his atrocious website, Iamthepresumptiveloserofthegeneralelection.com.

Not wanting to toss Chris a softball question, i emailed the following question from my fake yahoo email account to our congressional pretender, and am eagerly awaiting his response:

"Dear Mr. Balding,
I would appreciate any response you can give me to the following question. As a congressional hopeful, I would greatly appreciate your response.

I was walking one day next to my local creek when something fell from a tree and hit me in the eye. I fell to the ground like a drunken George Washington student. When I looked up, I saw something only seen in dreams. A one-armed yeti was standing over me. The yeti was tall with thick white hair that sprouted from his body like snowy grass. He made a loud noise that sounded like Jeremy Davis. The strangest thing about the yeti was that it only had one arm and the arm came right out of his chest. It looked like John Balding. I stood up to talk to this mysterious creature of the snow.

“Why did you strike me?” I asked
“I’m a yeti. I do not talk,” replied the yeti.
“But… you just did,” I said, reaching out to touch the yeti’s snowy white fur.

The yeti let out a fearsome roar and hit me in the face with his yeti paw. I fell back onto the ground unconscious, and when I woke up the Yeti was gone.

Mr. Balding what should I do next? I am at a loss for answers. Any help you could give me on the subject would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your response. I will be voting for Ralph Nader in November."

Your number 1 fan

Controversy

Christopher Balding, the Republican candidate for the 34th congressional seat in California, supports removing funding from public schools and funneling it to drug dealers.

Christopher Balding also does not want Science in the classroom. Here is a quote from him regarding the subject "Now science is good, when it teaches you how to turn a million ungrateful foreigners into glass. That, I'm giving a thumbs up to, OK"

Christopher Balding also said this little quote on a university radio show back in 2002: "The minority agenda, Yuck! I mean every idiot in this country has a damn agenda, what about my agenda, you know that that is? America! It is up to us, Balding's Buddies, to tell people what they can do. Because if not, they're gonna live like heathens. Left to their own devices, they're gonna eat their own shit! We gotta tell them what to do, otherwise were gonna be screwed. We want order, America! You hear me?!!!!!"

I also manged to find this campaign slogans that were written by Balding for his campaign, but have not yet been printed yet. They are truly appalling.

1) Vote for Balding, because the liberal media wants to give your country to an illegal immigrant
2) Vote for Balding, because democracy is worth suppressing rights for
3) Vote for Balding, because foreigners don't bathe as often as we do
4) Vote for Balding, because you cant trust the people in Jackfuckistan
5) Vote for Balding, because I will be the John Wilkes Booth of Congress

More updates to come......

Energy

Back in the fall, I was drinking a lot of Red Bulls and they really made me feel like I was being shot out of a cannon. I loved the stuff. Problem is, that junk is expensive. Who can afford to drink more than one a day? Certainly not me. My money goes to more enterprising pursuits, like buying foxxy ladies drinks. I wish I could drink six or seven cans of the stuff a day to keep me going, but until I win the lottery, or my competition at work ends up working at Taco Bell that’s not happening. When I was in the convenience store the other day, though, I saw this new energy drink called VivaMaxxPlus, so I decided to give it a shot.

Let me tell you, that stuff is amazing. They’re half the price of the Bull and they get my heart going even faster. It’s incredible. I drink a whole mess of them at lunchtime and then I’m awake until the sun comes up. It really helps me get through the workday and then my real workday, which starts at around 10pm. It’s hard to explain the feeling I get, but it’s like someone hooked up a battery to my body and it’s in charge of making my blood flow, but the dial that controls the speed got messed up and it’s stuck on “super fast.” That’s exactly what it feels like.

I decided I have to limit myself to three or four a day or else I’m going to get in some real trouble. Any more than that and I get pretty aggressive. Last week, I drank five cans of the sauce and when the women who sits across from me at work started talking her usual nonsense. I started imagining me and her on a go-kart track, but she didn’t have a go-kart and my go-kart had all kinds of weapons on it. (playing Mario Kart on the Wii probably doesn't help either) Right when I started picturing myself shooting her with my my heating seeking red turtle shells, I realized I needed to take it down a notch. I’m not a violent person, but there’s something in that VivaMaxxPlus that makes me craaaaaaazy.

Also, my quest to destroy Christopher Balding's race for congress (or get him to pay me to shut down my slander, will reach new heights tomorrow so stay tuned......Thats called a teaser by the way for those of you who don't know.)

Running For Congress

Everyone who knows me knows that I am acutely aware of the 5 senses, particularly smell.

That’s why I’m proud to announce the arrival of my new fragrance, “BaldingScents.” It’s a mixture of my favorite smells: gasoline, three-day-old cigarettes, cash money, Vanilla Ice Cream, bleach, and dirt. It smells awesome. When you walk around, people stop and look at you as if to say “Is that you that I’m smelling?” Well, folks, yes it is, and now, for the first time ever, you can smell like me, too. I’m personally bottling it in 100% recycled water bottles that still have their original labels. Just hook up a little squirt attachment to the top (sold separately) and spray away! You can smell like Michael! Your pet can smell like Michael! Your mobile home can smell like Michael! Your car can smell like Michael! Even your kids can smell like Michael! Buy some BaldingScents now!

Even congressional wannabes can buy BaldingScents and use it to attract votes!

I am also continuing my quest to expose Christopher Balding as a pretender in this years congressional race for the 34th district.

In his press release touting his primary victory, Chris claimed that he beat a "formidable Republican who has been the nominee for the past 10 years". So what Chris is really saying is, "I beat a guy who is so pathetic he lost 5 straight elections". That really is impressive. Imagine how formidable his opponent would have been if he had lost 8 or 9 straight elections!

Also, his claim that he beat the republican nominee for the past 10 years is incorrect. Chris beat Wayne Miller, who was the Republican nominee in 2002, 2004, and 2006 but not in 1998 or 2000 as Chris claimed. I demand an immediate retraction and apology to the electorate for this mistruth! Christopher Balding better get his campaign in order because I will not let the American people be misled by phony politicians in these dangerous and uncertain times! The people of the 34th district deserve a candidate who speaks honestly about the issues, not ones who misremember the truth for their own personal gain!

Watch out Chris, because this is just the beginning....................( I am still waiting for my $1100 check)

What happened

What can $1182.60 get you??????

Well you could buy a New 6 Inch Round Button Pro Machine Combo with 500 parts!

Or, you could spend 6 hours with the lovely Vanessa (Seductive and classy!)

But the best use of your $1182.60 is buying this website from me. According to this reputable website the BaldingReport is worth $1182.60. I am not sure how they arrived at the total they did. Maybe it was the 69 daily hits, or the $1.62 in daily ad revenues. Or being ranked as the 15 millionth most popular website IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

This ranking also gives me great pleasure because the same website ranks my rival website, Thebaldingblog well behind me. This makes me the most powerful blogger of the Balding family and clearly shows that it should be me running for congress and not some dude who's website is only worth $900.

As many of you probably don't know, my cousin Cristopher Balding, is running for US Congress in the 34th district of California. He has a new website called Chrisforcongress.com

Chris lists his biography in this website, but he fails to point out several key things about his past that I feel I need to bring into the public arena

1st: Chris owes me $50, He is a welcher. How can we expect someone to fix the mounting debt our government faces when he can't even pay off his own debts

2nd: In recapping his foreign policy views, he forgets to mention that he was an early supporter of the Iraq War, and got destroyed in a debate against me in his fathers car on the way to the Fiesta Bowl. Now, he says we should be removing troops from Iraq. Flip Flop. Flip Flop.

3rd: I am not mentioned in the family history section of the website. Granted I haven't seen Chris in 7 years, but that was just mean of him. Given the fact I can bring in 69 viewers DAILY, I would think Chris would want to reach out to a powerful media figure such as myself.

I could go on and on, but I still feel that Chris is a member of my family, even if he feels otherwise. Anyway, people of California, I do not recommend voting for Christopher Balding until he gives me the respect and admiration i deserve (or he pays me $1182.60 for my blog to shut me up).

I know it took me 2 months to write this Blog entry, but Bend is a pretty boring place, so expect more blogs in the future. I also plan on attacking Christopher daily until I am properly recognized by his campaign or his wallet.

Seahorses

When will all these crazy dreams stop? They’ve been going on for at least a week and every night they get crazier and crazier. Usually I try to use my dreams to figure out stuff that’s going to happen in the future like lottery numbers and horse race winners, but recently my subconscious has declared war on my brain.

A week ago Wednesday I went to sleep after drinking my nightly bedtime cocktail – triple sec, bitters, grape juice, and two bottles of Nyquil – and all of a sudden I was thrown into the strangest dream I ever had. I was a seahorse broad living in this underground suburban housing community and I was making dinner for my little seahorse kids until my husband came home and said he was taking us all for a seahorse celebration because he got promoted at the real estate office. We went to this fancy buffet where they only served kelp and then one of my little seaponies turned into a skyscraper and I was standing on top of him looking for my shoes (which had fallen to the ground below). That’s when I heard a siren and woke up. I didn’t think anything of it, but the next night, the dream continued.

This time, I was still a seahorse, but I was on top of the Sears Tower in Chicago and I was giving tours to Croatian tourists who wanted to know where they could find hot dogs. I kept saying “Just look around, Croats, they’re everywhere!” But they kept on asking. Finally, I grabbed one of the foreigners and pulled them to the edge while I pointed to about a million hot dog stands on the street below us. That’s when the building turned back into my seahorse son and all of a sudden I was back at the kelp buffet, but one of my waiters was the pesky Croatian. Weird, right?

So every night since, I’ve been drinking the same cocktail and going to sleep right away and the dreams just keep getting more and more out of control. Now they involve a seahorse orchestra, a family of very tiny bears who love to swim, Croatian folksongs, blankets made out of submerged power lines, and an elaborate conspiracy to take over the Sea Monarchy by a very large network of algae. Seriously, if you know what any of this means, please let me know. I think I might have to eat a seahorse to make it all go away, but the last time I ate a horse of any sort, I had a really bad reaction so I want to avoid that if I can. Thank you in advance for your help.

Baths

What’s better than a nice, hot bath? Almost nothing except for a nice, hot bath with a foxy lady and some fine aged Dominican cigars. You can get Dominican stogies almost anywhere, but I still like to smuggle them in. It gives me a sense of accomplishment when I smoke them. Makes me feel proud.

When I’m sitting in that tub, I light one up and enjoy it for hours. I don’t mind the water wrinkles I get from staying in there too long, because hey, I’ve got enough wrinkles of my own so who am I to complain?

Back to baths for a second. I like baths so much more than showers. I mean, who likes standing under a hose when you can be sitting in a miniature swimming pool? When you take a bath, you’re making a commitment to cleanliness because baths get the job done. That’s why my weekly bath is one of the most important things I do. Stay clean, people, otherwise rubes can smell you when you sneak up behind them.

Blogging Machine

A lot of people say that when you get to be my age, it’s much harder to stay in shape. After all, 23 is WAY over the hill. This idea however, is a load of poppycock. Just look at me. I’m a machine. Based on my own measurements, I have roughly 2% body fat. I’m so cut, I could model for Italian sculptors. If the government wanted to, they could build robot soldiers in my likeness. So don’t go telling me that it’s hard to stay fit.

My diet is pretty simple. nothing for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and then a sensible dinner – usually comprised of mung beans. For beverages, I only drink water or whiskey and when I’m drinking whiskey, it’s usually when I’m working out. It gives me the courage to lift more than I can when I’m sober.

Every month or so, I’ll invent a new diet for myself that I stick to for about a week. Last month, I only ate watermelon seeds and bacon fat. This month, I’m thinking of trying out a squirrel diet: acorns, berries, assorted tree leaves, and, of course, squirrel. I’ll let you know how it goes.

The real secret to my success is my workout regimen. I do all my lifting in the office at night after everyone leaves. First I start with my sit-downs. I stand up and sit down on my chair twenty-five times or until I can’t whistle. Then I move over to the break room to do my patented Vending Machine Push. It’s real simple – just tip the vending machine towards you and push it towards the wall without letting it actually tip back onto its base. I’ll do this until I feel like I’m going to die. Then I do two more and slam that puppy back against the wall. The Vending Machine Push actually has two purposes. It makes your chest flat and you get a lot of free snacks because they rattle loose when you’re doing all the pushing. It’s the most valuable part of my workout. I usually finish up by doing sprints through the kitchen, but last week some numbnuts spilled milk on the floor and I took a pretty nasty tumble. I was really pissed until I remembered that I was the one who spilled the milk. Let that be a lesson to us all: don’t fall into traps you set for your co-workers.

Crock Pot

Most people are unfamiliar with the powers of dehydration as a cooking tool for meat. These people think that all meat must be cooked in an oven or on a stove or using a grill. This notion is ridiculous. These people are clearly dummies. This blog entry is specifically written to dispel their closed-minded ideals. (Although i will grant a limited exception to people who cook in the crock pot. Those people are not dummies. They are just uninformed.)

What good is a freshly grilled steak to me if I’m not sitting at a table? If I’m spotting up in the corner during a highly anticipated 3 on 3 game, that steak becomes nothing less than a burden. When combatants from the other squad smell the steak, it could lead them right to me. If the steak sits out too long in the sun, there’s a strong likelihood that it will turn rancid. Shortly after that point it becomes a silent but deadly killer waiting for my hunger to unwittingly lead me into the meat’s treacherous clutches. “Traditional Meat Cookers” would probably want that to happen to me. They would like to see me die. Well guess what, Brenna, Troy and Jennifer? Dehydrated meat leaves me vulnerable to NONE of the situations I described previously. It can be eaten discreetly and in any location. It is delicious without being messy (good for those who know me). Best of all, it is highly nutritious.

Dehydrated meat is commonly referred to as “jerky.” I do not know who came up with this name, so don’t bother asking me. Jerky can be made from almost any type of meat. Most people are familiar with beef jerky. This is the most pedestrian of jerkies. I much prefer venison jerky -- be it deer or bear. The nutty flavor of the meat works surprisingly well when all moisture is removed from it. Venison jerky, like all jerky, is incredibly chewy in a very pleasing way. I have also seen jerky made from rabbit, badger, vole, raccoon, squirrel, trout, and salmon. This is by no means a complete list; it’s just what I’ve tasted personally. Rumors are abound that, Bubba from Forrest Gump, has a more complete list than I do.

To make jerky, you don’t need any fancy cooking equipment. I’ve seen television advertisements for professional “food dehydrators,” but these are made for morons (a category you may fit into if you still deny the awesome power of jerky). All you really need to make jerky is a knife and the sun. The knife is for cutting your meat into long, thin strips. The sun is for drying the meat. This all happens thanks to a little scientific process I like to call evaporation. Also called the "water cycle" for those of you still in 4th grade. If you so desire, you may also choose to season the meat. I don’t do this. It’s a frivolous task and a waste of spices. There is nothing wrong with non-spiced meat and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Salting the meat is a different story, however, and you should use salt liberally in order to remove as much moisture from the meat as possible. Once you’ve cut your meat into strips, find a clean area to hang the strips in the sun. Within a few days, your jerky will be ready for consumption, and when it is, the world is your oyster [NOTE: I have never seen or heard of oyster jerky].

Enjoy your newfound freedom as you travel the globe without worrying about where you’ll find a fresh source of protein. Your jerky will serve as a nutritional passport as you set your mind to other more important things, like how you will avoid the pickpockets that ruin most travel experiences both here in America and abroad.

Take heed, readers. Jerky will change your lives. All you have to do is open your mind, and close your crock-pot.

Holiday Inn

Family gatherings are fantastic. They’re a time for relatives to come together and enjoy each other’s company. I don’t see my family much (for various reasons: jail, voluntary institutionalization, mercenary work, car crashes into rivers), so lately I have been spending my time with other families on their happiest days. It really brings a lot of joy to my weekends.

The Holiday Inn in downtown Bend has these nice banquet rooms that people rent out for weddings or baptisms or reunions or whatever else they want to celebrate with their families. On Saturday mornings, I put on one of my work suits and head over to see what they’ve got going on. It’s really easy to figure out because there are these signs they put up in the lobby telling you who and what is going on in each of the banquet rooms. One week it might be the Yomimuri Family Reunion and Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah, the next week it’s Jimmy Kerry’s 40th Birthday Bash and a pancake breakfast from the Rotary Club. I like to think of it like Banquet Hall Roulette and I look forward to it all week – especially the Bar Mitzvahs. Those are a gas.

It’s amazing how just being in a room full of happy people can really rub off on you. When I leave the gatherings, or get kicked out as the case may be, I feel giddy. I start smiling like I’m a squirrel at a baseball game where the peanut vendor trips on one of the steps in the aisle and drops all of his peanut bags on the ground. I figure things are going pretty good in life if you can feel like that squirrel.

The Baldo's

Since I was out selling TV's last Sunday to homeless people in Seattle, I missed the Academy Awards. Luckily I have my own awards show coming up at the end of this month called the Baldo's. I wont be giving out gold statues, because if I did have any gold statues i would melt them down for bling instead of giving them out to winners of a completely made up awards show that 8 people will read about. So check back later to find out who won big at the Baldo's. (Thats called a teaser by the way).

Summer goal

I say a lot of things that may turn out to be a little inaccurate sometimes. It’s called being a person. A lot of people in my life try to trip me up and say “But Michael you said the exactly opposite thing last week.” Oh yeah? Well, maybe I did and maybe I didn’t, hotshot. Maybe you don’t hear things well. Maybe I just changed my mind. Who are you to tell me I’m a liar? You’re the liar! You’re the stupid liar, Liar! Don’t you look at me like that. Don’t you dare. I will take your eyes and turn them into eyeball stew. You hear me?

Moving on,

This is the year I’m finally going to tack on those extra fifteen pounds Every year I tell myself that this is going to be my big year for bulking up. Well guess what, body? THIS IS THE YEAR. I’m going to get so fat.

I better not become one of those dudes that get a fat belly and nothing else. I hate those jerks. From behind, they look like normal joes, but as soon as they turn around – bam! – how did that guy get pregnant? Skinny legs and a fat tummy is no way to go through life, that’s for sure. When I get fat, I want to be fat everywhere. I want people to look at me and think “doughy.” I want kids to puff out their cheeks at me and pretend there’s an earthquake every time I take a step. I want to get so fat that I don’t even get fat-rolls when I sit down, I just get a blob.

In order to gain the most weight possible, I’ve set up a very strict regimen for myself. I’m going to park as close to places as possible so I don’t have to walk. If there aren’t any spaces available, I’ll just wait in my car and eat a candy bar until somebody comes out. When I go to the grocery store, I’m going to get one of those electric carts to zoom around in so I’m not burning calories as I’m buying calories. I will never, ever take the stairs. As for eating, I’m going for quantity over quality. Do I want cheese on my fries? Yes. Do I want to mega-size something? Always. Will I finish food left behind by people at other tables? Yes. (actually that last part shouldn't be to hard since i've been doing it all my life)

There’s going to be a whole new Michael around these parts and this guy’s breaking every chair he sits in. Say goodbye to the idiot you once knew, because here comes Super chubby Michael and I’m going to eat your lunch.

Presidential politics

I don’t usually title these buggers, but today I’m going to (Actually all of these are titled, hmmm) I keep hearing all kinds of buzzing about Presidents and elections and blacks and ladies and Mormons and guys that done believe in evolution. I learned all of this from the newspaper. I don't typically read the Bend Bulletin, but I use it for a lot of other purposes, so it just kinda sinks in.

I’ve been through lots of Presidents in my time (well one crappy president) and after a while, you get a sense of what you want in a leader. Here’s my list of what I look for in a President:

1. I want a President who likes to dance. You get a square up there and none of the other countries want to party. The key to international relations is dancing. Condi needs to start drinking at these conferences.

2. My President needs to get pissed. Too many of those stiffs get to the White House and glad-hand everyone. Somebody does something terrible to America, they sit there calmly in their football-shaped office and tell us that everything is going to be okay. I want a dude (not a dudette) who grabs a golf club and smashes things when they talk to the nation. I want a leader who’s not afraid to tell everyone to go to hell.

3. I want a President that looks good dressed up. Nice cheeks bones are an added bonus. (Points here to Obama)

4. If they’re going to make bad decisions, they better make up for them spectacularly. I’m talking personalized apology notes, public floggings, and free ice cream. If they want to sit in a dunk tank, I’ll be the first in line to take a shot. (Where is my vanilla blizzard Mr. Bush???)

5. I want at least three controversies, none of which make America look bad. The President getting caught with an unbelievably foxy hooker is okay, but the President getting caught hitting the foxy hooker is not. Selling weapons to Europe is fine, but selling weapons to Asia is not. I’ll also accept some kind of unintentional foreign insult controversy, but it has to be funny and not boring.

Naps

I want to say something about naps. They’re great. I can’t get enough of them. I take as many naps as I possibly can – at home, at work, malls, public restrooms, adult movie theaters. At work, there’s this closet downstairs that’s filled with really comfortable mops. You bundle those mops together and you’ve got yourself an instant mattress. Not only that, you also end up getting a pretty good cleaning, depending on how much you roll around when you sleep. Most days I don’t even shower anymore because I know those mops will do the job for me. Three or four times a day, I tell everyone that I’m going to the bathroom and then pop down to my closet for some shuteye. Depending on how I feel, I’ll usually stay for thirty, forty minutes before heading back up. I call them “closetiestas,” like the Spaniards do.

Some people like a lot of pillows but I’m not one of them. I like one pillow at the most. Sometimes, I’ll toss the pillow away and just use a rolled up washcloth. No need to be greedy about your head cushions, right?

I’ve seen those memory-foam mattress commercials for years and always wanted one (the mattress, not the commercial). A few months ago, I sent away for the free sample they always offer. When it showed up, I have to say, I was impressed. They send you a little four inch by four inch square of the stuff and right away I could tell how comfortable it would be if I had the full mattress. So I did what any smart person would do. I made up four hundred fake names and now I’m just waiting for the rest of my free samples to arrive. When they get here, I’m going to tape them all together and have a memory-foam mattress for free. Take that, mattressland!

I’m not into counting sheep to fall asleep. I count shots of bourbon. I can usually get to eleven before I’m out like a light. I’ll bet sheep like bourbon, too. You can see it in their cold, black eyes. Those dudes are drinkers. Probably why the Oregon State beavers love them so much.