Spelling!

Please take a moment to ask yourself this question before reading this blog: “Am I a stupid person that can’t spell?” If yes, then answer this question: “Will I be offended if somebody, namely Michael Balding, makes fun of people that can’t spell?” If yes, then please visit another destination on the World Wide Web. Also, take solace in the fact that you know how to read at all, despite your shortcomings in the spelling department.

For those of you who remain: welcome. You’re among decent spellers. It feels good to get rid of the poor-spelling moon-faces. Good riddance.

I was at a gas station this weekend and heard a little girl ask her mother a question. This question might as well have been “Why am I so dumb?” but in actuality, it was “Do reindeer fly better when it’s raining?” Obviously, the girl thought that reindeer was spelled “rain deer.” Children are stupid. What sense is there in naming an animal after a weather condition? There is no such thing as a hail bear. Nor is there a sleet squirrel. The only exception to this rule is the snow leopard, which is named more for its coloring than its preference for cold weather. I’m also aware of ThunderCats, but they don’t count because they’re from the Star Wars universe

The point is, this girl didn’t know how to spell and her mother didn’t bother to correct her. That’s why I had to step in. I politely explained to the little girl that she was stupidly spelling the word incorrectly in her head. I went on to say that the rein in reindeer is spelled like that not because it refers to the reins that man uses to domesticate these animals, but because of the word’s etymological roots in the Norse languages. Additionally, I told her that reindeer are also known as caribou. The girl started crying and needless to say, I won’t be returning to fill up on the Northside of Bend anytime soon.

Spelling has always been important to me, I decided that, as an individual, I needed to make spelling a priority. As a result, I can easily spell “rhombus,” I sadly have no idea how to identify one.

Happy Holidays and a merry “That is all” to everyone.

My Christmas list

My Holiday Wish List 2007

• A really sharp knife. I want one that cuts cans and opens doors.

• Three hundred dollars in unmarked singles. I owe a guy.

• One of those Russian fur hats that they wear in the Kremlin. Dan this is where you come in.

• Whale blubber. Don’t question me.

• A Nintendo Wii with additional nunchuk controller and Mario Party 8

• A collection of discarded teeth with all necessary tools to make a necklace.

• A real life Kuala Bear. And lots of eucalyptis trees.

• My weight in Life Savers

• An Eye Phone, but keep in mind that I wear glasses sometimes.

If you want to make this the best Christmas ever, go ahead and get me any of the things on this list. I’ll love you forever. Drop them off to me at work (250 NW Franklin #301 Bend, OR, 97701) but don’t put them in the “Toys for Tots” bins – those are just for my co-workers to use for my gifts. I wish they’d stop giving me Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals though. I have more than enough already.

My run for Mayor

So I’ve been thinking about running for Mayor of Bend. There’re a lot of things wrong with Bend and since nobody’s answering my letters over at the Mayor's Office I think it’s time to take matters into my own hands. I know what you’re thinking and yes, they are wrinkled, but they are strong.

Number 1: Cops’ uniforms should be neon yellow. The get-ups they wear now make it too hard to see them coming at night and I’m tired of those jerks sneaking up on me. If I’m elected Mayor, I want to make sure that people know where cops are at all times:

Number 2: Soup kitchens have to offer more variety. From what I’ve heard, they serve the same soup two, three times a week. People really get sick of mushroom barley all the time, you know?

Number 2 and a Half: Mushroom Barley soup will be illegal across the city. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s going to miss it.

Number 3: Make it so IRS employees get paid on commission. Just a no brainer people.

Number 4: I will institute a database with pictures of every resident of the city naked. Every five years, a citizen can request to view any one person’s naked picture for a viewing period of ten minutes. After they’ve used up their viewing, they have to wait another five years until they can view another. It’s just not fair for all these foxy ladies to be walking around without anyone being able to see them naked. This is going to be the cornerstone of my campaign.

Civil War Blog

Although my heart has been broken by Oregon Football I still have enough heart, grit, and determination to give my thoughts on the 2007 Toilet Bowl between Oregon and Oregon State.

By my count Oregon State is without its top 3 players (Sammie Stroughter, Bernard, and some tackle who is ineligble) while Oregon is playing with QB's who didn't even practice at the start of the season.

Appearantly 5th string QB Cody Kempt gets the start over 4th string QB Justin Roper today, which makes sense seeing as his 6-23 2INT game was better than Roeper's impressive 1-8 1INT game.

ANYWAY ITS GAMEDAY!!

1:37 PM Bernard is out of todays game after he failed "running back experiments" earlier in the day.

1:38 PM Oregon is wearing the Las Vegas Bowl helmets for today's game. I was sure that these helmets were burned after that game but I guess not.

1:39 PM Oregon State scores in two plays. My retina's already hurt from the glare of Oregon's helmet's

1;40 PM The start of this game is eerily similar to that of the 2003 civil war where Stephen Jackson destroyed Oregon on the first drive only to get stuffed the rest of hte day

1:42 PM Oregon runs the kick back to the OSU 30 but a flag is down on the play. It could be a long day

1:43PM Kempt tries to throw an INT on his first pass but luckily he is to innacurate and the ball skips before the defender could grab it.

1:44PM Stewart is destroying OSU so far.

1:46 PM Kempt misses another wide open receiver. He may in fact be worse than Jason Fife.

1:49PM On third and 6 Kempt again tries to throw an INT but luckily it was thrown so far behind the WR that even the DB couldnt catch it. Kempt is now 6-26 on his career counting his 0-3 today. I can't believe I am actually at the stage where I would cut off my big toe for Brady Leaf.

1:54PM Oregon State's running back is white and he already has 50 yards. Shoot me now.

1:57PM Maeovo again finds a wide open WR. Its possible that this will be the first time I EVER turn off an Oregon football game.

158PM Moevao fumbles the ball after gaining 15 yards on a QB draw. Considering Oregon's offense will probably not complete a pass all day, Oregon's defense cant give up any more points.

200PM For some reason Kempt tries to run the ball and gets thrown down like a doll. Then on Third and 8 Oregon just runs a simple handoff to Stewart who gets stuffed. Chip Kelly can thank Cody Kempt for ruining his chances at a head coaching job this off-season.

202PM If Oregon gets blown out in this game will Oregon officially retire the Yellow helmet? So far Oregon has been outscored 45-7 while wearing them.

204PM ESPN says that Oregon leads the nation in "Tackles for loss per game" Unfortunately all those tackles for losses have been followed by 30 yard completion

207PM on a play action pass Kempt just immediately runs into an Oregon defender and promptly gets himself injured. Its tough to get upset when your 5th string QB gets injured.

208PM With Oregon now down to 1 scholarship QB, part of me is secretly hoping to see Roper get inured just to see who gets put in at QB.

209PM Roper comes in to the game and promply throws a strike to Jeffery Maehl for a 31 yard TD. I no longer am wishing for him to get injured so Oregon is forced to play a Safety at QB. In one play he had more positive plays than Kempt has had all game.

216PM ABC's sideline reporter says that Oregon's advice to Cody Kempt after his inury was "dont run directly into the middle linebacker" Its pretty sad when that actually has to be said to the starting QB

220PM Oregon State drives 70 yards for the easy TD. Nick Alliotti clearly is earning his paycheck this week

223PM Patrick Chung fumbles the kickoff return but pounces on it. Why is a safety running back kicks for Oregon and not a RB or WR???

228PM Ropers pass goes right through ED Dickson's hands and is returned for a TD. The best part about the play was the fact that it was 3rd and 15 and Roper threw to a player who would have been tackled 15 yards short of the first down.

231PM Oregon just runs the ball on third and 12. Its pretty clear that unless Jonathan Stewart learns to break 19 tackles a play that Oregon's defense will have to score 2 TD's for Oregon to get back in this game.

237 PM Oregon State's white running back from Bend already has 100 yards rushing. Just shoot me now.

241PM Oregon gets a lucky break as OSU appears to get a TD but the refs rule that the WR was bobbling the ball before crossing the plane. Fouts thinks the call should be reversed but the replay official agrees with him about 2% of the time so the call will likely stand. The call stands and Alexis Serna got confused and must have thought he was back in LSU because he pushed the FG wide right. Oregon just went from having no hope to winning this game to having like a .00002% chance.

248PM Roper carries the ball for a 14 yard gain and Fouts call Roper "The Loper" God help Fouts.

254PM OSU goes 3 and out and Oregon proceeds to fumbe the punt. Luckily Oregon recovers the fumble. Oregon is just buying time until they get blown out. 3 and out again for Oregon.

300PM Osu goes 3 and out again. If Oregon can get points before the half they might have a shot.

304PM. A Garren Strong sighting!!!!! Oregon defies all odds and drives the length of the field for an improbable TD. Not only did Roper look like a semi-respectable QB on that drive, but he also managed to get Oregon back in the game. I guess Metal Gear Solid will have to wait.

310PM Oregon State makes probably the dumbest play call in the history of sports by running a QB draw on first down with a minute left in the first half and Moevao proceeded to fumbe the ball and Oregon runs it back for a TD. Why would you run a qb draw when your QB with a minute left in the 1st half when your QB has already fumbled once ON THE EXACT SAME PLAY!!!!. This game is a battle of Mike Riley's idiocy vs Oregon's 5th string QB.

312PM During his halftime interview Mike Riley indicates that he is still undecided on what bridge he will be sleeping under tonight. My money is on the Washington Jefferson street bridge but Riley is a bit "alternative" so he could pull a stunner and end up under the bike bridge.

337 PM The second half kicks off and Walther Thurmond III becomes the 9th Oregon player to return a kick this season. that has to be some kind of record.

339PM In two plays Oregon is already down to the OSU 30 yard line. Of course as soon as I get my hopes up Roper proceed to throw 2 straight incompletions and the Ducks turn the ball over on downs. The worst thing that can happen in this game is for OSU to win a close game. I was mentally prepared for OSU to destroy Oregon but my soul would be crushed beyond imagination if Oregon were to be in the game late and to lose.

349PM Oregon gets a big break as OSU lets the play clock run out on 4th and 2 @ the Oregon 30 yard line. If Riley were smart he would go for it because Oregon's offense is more likely to lose yards at his point in the game than it is to get a first down. Serna is on for the 50 yard FG. He misses it by 60 yards. How ironic would it be for Serna if he blows his first collegiate game by mising 3 PATS then blows his last game by missing multiple FG's.

354PM On third and 6 Roper finds his new go 2 receiver in Maehl who picks up 33 yards. Its amazing that Oregon is winning a game where its playing its 5th string QB, and its primary receiver its a true freshman who started the year as the nickel back.

357PM Roper fools everybody by running in for a score on 3rd and goal. Oregon is now winning 28-21. This is unfucking believable. If Oregon wins playing a 5th string QB than OSU should disband their team.

401PM Oregon State runs a reverse on the kickoff and gets out to midfield. That play always works. Why more teams don't do it is beyond me. Maybe its an unwritten rule in football where you dont run kick off reverses kinda like in Madden you don't run the same play all the time even if it works everytime.

405PM OSU runs a fake reverse and their QB falls on the ground. OSU looks like they are ready to self-destruct.

406PM Maoevo (or whatever his name is) throws it right to an Oregon defender but T.J. Ward cant make the grab. OSU punts the ball and ORegon is back on offense. As long as Oregon doesn;t give up a cheap TD I actually think they will win. I guess that .002% could actually hit.

413PM Roper looks like he could have gotten the first down on a QB keeper but he instead just ran out of bounds. Probably a good idea when there is NO backup QB.

417PM. Oregon's defense is getting thrown around the field as Moevao is carving up the Oregon defense. Oregon seems to be daring Moevao to throw the ball but so far he is up to the challenge.

420PM Oregon State runs right through Oregon and scorse a TD to tie the game up at 28. Oregon state scored one some sort of QB rollout play that looked like it would only work in a 4th grade flag football game.

428PM Roper picks up the 1st down on a run but then proceeds to fumble the next two snaps resulting in a 3rd and 27 play that goes nowhere. So on 4th and 27 Josh Syria comes in and gets off a decent punt. Based on the way Oregon's defense is playing I think they just blew their best shot at winning this game.

434PM Oregon's Dline continues to suck as Moevao completes another 18 yard pass.

436PM This game will turn on Moevao either making a great play or him doing something really stupid.

437PM There is the something stupid as Moevao throws it right to Walter Thurmond III who picks it off giving Oregon great field position near the 50 yard line.

440PM Oregon is unable to gain any yards after the turnover and is forced to punt it into the endzone. Stewart must be hurt again because he got 0 carries on that drive. Oregon is now down to its 5th string QB, 3rd string RB, and like 8th string WR and has someone managed to put up 21 offense points. Even if Oregon loses every Oregon fan has to be impressed with the way the team has fought back into the game.

443PM Tim Brandt on Lyle Movaeo "he isn't afraid to throw to his wr's even if they are covered" I always thought throwing to covered WR's is a good skill for a QB to have.

445PM Oregon's dline is getting destroyed again. They are about as effective as Jaison Williams hands.

446PM Oregon's defense holds but Serna gets off the first good punt of his career and pins Oregon at their own 6. I have a really bad feeling that Roper will throw a pick six right here. Call it a hunch.

450PM Stewart clearly is inured again as Crenshaw gets the first two carries of the drive. Roper then proceeds to overthrow his WR. Time for Josh Syria to earn his player of the game status.

452PM Tim Brandt "Legends are made of this". Not really sure what that means but it sounds so epic that it must be true.

455PM Oregon State is running the ball with ease and on third down Moevao makes a nice pass to convert inisde the Ducks 20 yard line.

456PM On first down Oregon sells run all the way and stops the white running back for a 1 yard loss. Oregon needs to sell out against the run here these next two plays and hope that Serna botches another kick.

458PM OSU decides to play action pass but Moevao throws incomplete. on third and 11 OSU just runs the ball and Oregon calls timeout with 1:09 left. Serna is on for about a 40 yard kick.

459PM Serna lines up for the 37 yard kick. Legends are made in this situation.

500PM Serna gets the kick blocked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Walter Thurmond blocks the kick off the edge and Oregon has a chance to win the game!!!

501PM Roper to Strong for 9.

501PM Fouts "This isn't intramurals brother!!"

502PM Roper to Jones for 6 and Oregon burns its final timeout. Oregon needs about 10 yards to get in range. Matt Evensen is out for redemption this civil war as he had his kick blocked last year at the end of regulation.

503PM Jaison Willaims makes up for every drop he has ever had with a great catch for about 15 yards. Oregon is barely in FG range. 35 seconds left.

504PM Ed Dickson just misses about a 20 yard completion. On Third down Oregon is forced to throw the ball away and Evenson comes in for the 53 yard kick.

505PM Timeout OSU.

506PM. Oregon may fake this kick but OSU doesnt look like they are rushing anybody so here goes EVenson.

507PM Evenson misses Wide Right but a flag is down and will be against OSU!!!!!!! Personal foul on OSU!!!!!!!

508PM The penalty is for leaping and landing on a player. I have never even heard of that penalty, but i am glad it is in existence.

508PM Oregon's offense comes out on the field. I would kneel it and then and then spike the ball. Instead Evensen comes out and misses the 40 yard kick :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

FUCKING TERRIBLE COACHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULDN:T YOU SPIKE THE BALL THERE!!! I HATE MIKE BELLOTTI MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. BRING BACK RICH BROOKS!!!!!!!!!!

509PM. Oregon should have just spiked the ball instead they tried to hurry the kick and Evensen managed to miss the 40 yard FG by about 40 feet. To my knowledge he is the only kicker to miss two potential winning/tying civil war FG's.

510PM Stewart is back in and Oregon runs a great WR reverse but Garren Strong holds his man stupidly and it will be second down.

512PM On second and 10 Stewart rushes for 2. on Third down Roper makes a smart decision and Ed Dickson picks up about 15 down to the 6. This is EPIC!!!

514PM Stewart runs for a loss of 1. on second and ten Stewart loses 2 more. Third and goal here. Need a fade to a WR here. Roper instead throws a 1 yard in to the TE and the FG team comes out.

517PM Evensen comes out for the 25 yard FG. GOOD!!

518PM Well if Oregon can hold OSU to no points here than were good but seeing as OSU starts on the 25 Oregon should need a turnover to avoid losing the game right here.

519PM On first and 10 OSU runs for 1 yard. If Oregon loses this game I will be SOOOOOOO angry.

520PM Incomplete pass so now its 3rd and long. Moevao should be blitzed bigtime here. Incomplete pass. 4th down. Oregon has to be smart here and not do anything stupid. Serna from 41 yards. GOOD :(((((( At least OSU gets the ball first for the second OT.

522PM I feel pretty good about Oregon's chances in this OT because I think they have the confidence right now. OSU starts with the ball....

523PM On first down OSU runs the ball for a TD as the WR broke about 18 tackles on one play. Kwame Ageyman cemented his legacy as a wash-out at Oregon by completely wiffing on the tackle.

524PM Well this is Justin Roper's time. Stewart picks up 6.

525PM On second and 4 Stewart loses 2. Third down and Roper will be forced to make a play.

526PM Jaison Williams catches a pass but it will be 4th down and 1. This will be an interesting play call.

527PM Stewart gets stoppd on 4th and 1 and Oregon LOSES. Gameball for OSU has to go to Justin Roper who foolishly decided to kick a hurried FG rather than spike it and give Matt Evensen time for a 37 yard FG that he surely would have drilled.

528PM FirechipKelly.com has now officially been registered by me. Feel free to donate to me.

If nobody ever sees me again its probably because i decided to throw myself out my window so come look for my body there.

I look forward to seeing you all in the Emerald Nut Bowl!!

Monocles

What the hell happened to monocles? That’s one fashion accessory that actually had a purpose. Most eye doctors don’t tell you that only one eye is bad because they want to sell you the full pair of glasses. Monocles are for smart people who had the wherewithal to ask if they really needed two lenses. My neighbor wears a monocle around his apartment and says it makes him feel rich. I love feeling rich, but I can’t find a damn monocle anywhere these days. What’s this world coming to???

Since I can't find a monocle, sometimes I wear my glasses to look smart in front of ladies. Other times, I wear them to see better when those ladies bend over.

My glasses have a nasty habit of getting stepped on though, so lately I have been rolling out with contacts.

Even though I wear contacts, I don’t understand them at all. Who wants to see perfectly all the time? I don't. I wear glasses so I can see when I want to see, but when I just want to relax, I can take them off and enjoy the fuzzy. Contacts are a ploy by the eye-care companies to sell you their made-up products like “solution.” Did you ever buy “solution” before contacts were invented? No way. Same thing with “contact cases”. They make you buy their new-fangled contact lenses and on top of that, you’re supposed to buy all of their accessories, too? No way! I might look like a sucker when I’m wearing my glasses, but at least I’m not a sucker at heart.

Beano Cook's latest chat

Welcome to The Show! On Wednesday, ESPN's Beano Cook will stop by to talk college football!

Get the answers to all your questions with Beano each Wednesday at 3 p.m. ET.

Beano Cook Archive: Chats | Columns

Buzzmaster: (2:59 PM ET ) Beano will be here soon!

Beano Cook: (3:02 PM ET ) Good afternoon, obviously I was wrong about Notre Dame, my record is now 4-7 this year. And listen up you schmucks, get off my back about it. Notre Dame has underacheived a bit this year, but they bounce back big time with wins over powerhouses Duke and Stanford.

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Jim (Memphis): Beano, do you think Zook's recruitment of "speed" and his spread offense will change the face of the Big Ten.

Beano Cook: (3:04 PM ET ) Who is this "Zook" person you speak of? I've never heard of him until just now.

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Jeff (Ann Arbor): Beano, is this Lloyd's last game at The Big House?

Beano Cook: (3:05 PM ET ) Lloyd's makes some tastey shredded bbq that I like to put on hoagie rolls.

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Mike ( Old Bridge NJ): What are your impressions on the BIG EAST Conference?

Beano Cook: (3:06 PM ET ) It's a lot of fun. Great southern food, good jazz and scantily clad women. Booyah!

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Victor (Rapid City, SD): When will the huskers return to greatness?

Beano Cook: (3:07 PM ET ) Probably never. There is talk about their program folding at the end of the season. I just read about this on the Sooner message board.

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John (San Diego): Beano, should they start putting Dennis Dixon's name on the Heisman yet?

Beano Cook: (3:07 PM ET ) No he is black.

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Aaron (Dallas, TX): Do you think Oklahoma will upset Missouri this weekend in ?

Beano Cook: (3:09 PM ET ) . I'll hold off on this prediction until I hear what Charlie Weis had for breakfast this morning.

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Kevin Pataskala, Ohio: Outside of Army-Navy What is the greatest rivalry in college football?

Beano Cook: (3:10 PM ET ) I get this every year, and there are a lot of great rivalries but I'll go with N-Sync vs. Backstreet boys.

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Jo: Who do you think would win between Florida/Illinois in the Capitol One Bowl?

Beano Cook: (3:11 PM ET ) On a neutral field I would go with Notre Dame by fifty. If the game's in South Bend, Irish by a hundy.

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Joe: Beano, Whats Penn State's problem? I know you hate them and all, but what needs to happen for them to get out of the second tier of the big 10?

Beano Cook: (3:13 PM ET ) I do not hate Penn State, I just despise them, that's all. JoePa kinds gives me the heebie-jeebies and that really says something considering the source here. Regardless, the PSU fans were not cheering for ND when we played there earlier this year. What a disgrace.

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Greg Workman Tampa Fl: Do you really think that the Big 12 has 3 better teams than West Virginia?

Beano Cook: (3:15 PM ET ) I once ate a 21-piece bucket of KFC by myself in a single sitting. I was in the bathroom for two days after that little stunt.

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Tim (Toledo): Beano! have you ever met the late great Woody Hayes? If so, does anything stick out in your mind when talking with him?

Beano Cook: (3:16 PM ET ) He used to wear a LOT of cologne. It made me hyperventilate. I had to excuse myself.

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Dave J (Leesburg, VA): Beano, will Florida State ever get back to being one of the top five teams in the nation? Is it time for Bobby Bowden to get out the fishing pole?

Beano Cook: (3:18 PM ET ) Erin Andrews is not returning any of my calls.
Beano Cook: (3:18 PM ET ) Woops, that was random. Sorry.

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Hokieman, salem Va: Ok Beano, Devil Rays/Royals tickets riding on this one- Notre Dame- vs the bye week. Who ya got?

Beano Cook: (3:22 PM ET ) I picked ND the last two weeks and I will pick them again because they are quite simply one of the most balanced teams in the nation right now.

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Dave (Palo Alto): Uga, what about Handsome Dan?

Beano Cook: (3:23 PM ET ) You mean that Dan Dierdorf guy? He's OKAY looking, but I wouldn't go so far as to call him "handsome".

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Carl (McCrory, Ar): Beano: Who's been the most dissapointing this year, my Razorbacks, Nebraska or Notre Dame?

Beano Cook: (3:25 PM ET ) Time for bathroom break. Back in 35 minutes.

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TJ (Oceanport, NJ): Beano... The Hokies are finally getting healthy after a season of injuries. The way they're playing lately Beamer's boys have got to be a scary draw for anybody. Thoughts?

Beano Cook: (3:26 PM ET ) I'm going to have 7-11 nachos smothered with chili and cheese for dinner.

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Sean (Pittsburgh, PA): Is Cincinnati a future big east power?

Beano Cook: (3:27 PM ET ) It is very possible. Coach Tressel has done a very good job and they're always tough in the Shoe.

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Rob (atlanta): Biggest Surprise this year? Virginia, Connecticut, or Kansas?

Beano Cook: (3:28 PM ET ) Me keeping my job here at ESPN. Frankly, it's beyond stunning. No one even talks to me at the Christmas party anymore. I miss Trev Alberts.

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Ryan (Pocomoke, MD): Who will the winner be if Clemson and Virginia Tech meet in the ACC Championship Game?

Beano Cook: (3:29 PM ET ) I have no idea. I'm not familiar with this "ACC" thing. They must be new.

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Jack, Phoenix: How about the Vols? If they can get to the SEC Championship and beat LSU, what bowl could they land in?

Beano Cook: (3:30 PM ET ) This question is so rediculous, I just wet myself.

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Carl (McCrory, Ar): Beano: On a follow up to my previous question regarding which team is the biggest disspointment this year: Will all three coaches at these universities still have jobs next year? (that being Nutt, Weiss and Callahan?)

Beano Cook: (3:31 PM ET ) Weiss will get an extension and all the rest of all the D-1 coaches will be terminated. Weiss will receive multi-million dollar contract offers from virtually every other program and turn them all down.

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Craig (San Clemente, CA: Beano - Do you think Tim Tebow should be in the top five as far as heisman cadidates are concerned? My thinking is Florida is a 8-3 team as of right now, and Tebow, with all his talent that he has around him, does not make his team better

Beano Cook: (3:33 PM ET ) Florida sucks musty balls, so I'll go with "no" here.

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Joe (Memphis): Your thoughts on Oregon State this year?

Beano Cook: (3:34 PM ET ) I am surprised considering their coach looks like he lives under a bridge.

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Bill ( Sydney, Australia ): Does JoePa pass Bobby Bowden by the end of this season?

Beano Cook: (3:36 PM ET ) No but the Kansas Coach might.

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Jerry (Worthington): Everyone acts as if the Buckeyes are out of the Nat Champ game race...What do you think?

Beano Cook: (3:37 PM ET ) Well that's because they are out of it. They play in the fourth toughest conference with a disgraceful non-conference schedule.

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Keith(Columbus): Beano, Will Notre Dame and Ohio State ever meet in the reg. season again. I know when they sign a long term deal with Mich, this hurt the chances. I doubt. N.D. would want to play both in the same year.

Beano Cook: (3:39 PM ET ) CRAP! Are you kidding me?! Notre Dame's 2nd string and 3rd stringers would stomp the crap out of OSU if given the chance. This would be a great rivalry that I would love to see happen.

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Marc (Philly): Dont forget those Bowden victories that really shouldnt be counted to begin with. Stop bashing Joe and Penn State. You are so transparent!

Beano Cook: (3:40 PM ET ) TRANSPARENT?! I'm three feet thick. I can block out the sun you little douchebag. Transparent is won thing I'm not.

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Larry (Omaha): Beano, what was it like to watch Red Grange play?

Beano Cook: (3:41 PM ET ) He must not have played for Notre Dame. So, I basically have no idea, but I don't think it would've been that big of deal.

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Peter (California): Beano, who do you most want to see play for the national championship?

Beano Cook: (3:42 PM ET ) Notre Dame and Appalachian State

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sarah (chicago): How would Doc Blanchard do in todays game?

Beano Cook: (3:45 PM ET ) He was at least as good as Jimmy Clausen

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John North Bergen, NJ: Penn State refuses to play WVU or Pitt on a 1 for 1 bases. They believe it should be 2 at Penn State for 1 road game. That's why they play Temple, and the Akrons of the world.

Beano Cook: (3:47 PM ET ) Penn State sucks dude. Get a clue. They're H O R R I B L E. My great grandson's flag football team would destroy them.

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Jason Fort Walton Beach, FL: does michigan have what it takes to beat ohio state?

Beano Cook: (3:48 PM ET ) Well the game is in Duluth, so they do have what it takes. Look at how close last year's game was. But that will be a great scene, although I do prefer the game when it is at Tallahassee.

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Beano Cook: (3:51 PM ET ) Okay, that is it for today. Here is this week's pick:

Oregon 0
Oregon State 0

It will be closer than the experts think. I'm pretty much admitting here that not only am I not an expert, but that I'm also peeling a waxed banana.

PS. This is the first time since 1993 that ND has won its last game of the season, maybe bowl games are overrated after all.

Oregon USC

Seeing as I am stuck in Oakland for the next 4 weeks and the nearest place that gets Fox Sports Net is a meth lair about 3 miles away, I will make my Oregon-USC predictions quick and easy.

Oregon will win if:
1) They can protect the passer. Dixon is great if given a lot of time to throw, but he really sucks if the D-Line gets pressure on him...Considering USC has the two best defensive tackles, and the best defensive end in the conference, this could be a difficult challenge.

2) Walter Thurmond III doesn't suck.

3) Oregon gets a few lucky turnovers Early in the season teams like Michigan and Houston were just giving the ball to Oregon, but lately even bad teams like Stanford and Washington aren't turning the ball over againt the duck defense. For Oregon to have a chance today, they need Sanchez to make some really stupid plays.

Final Prediction: Seeing as I am have missed every Oregon prediction this season outside of the Houston game, its probably good that I think USC wins this game fairly easily. I think their defense will destory the spread and that Carroll is still the best coach in the country. Given the nature of USC, Oregon will score first and probably even be leading at halftime but USC will blow Oregon's doors off in the second half in route to a comfortable 17 point victory.

Final: USC 34 Oregon 17
Halftime score: Oregon 14 USC 6

Team of Destiny

Several "media pundits" talked this week about how the Ducks have the look of a "team of destiny". They said this team is perhaps the most talented duck team ever, and rivals the Joey Harrington led team of 2001. I also believe Oregon is a "team of destiny" but the destiny I see them achieving is one of chokers.

Oregon is a 13 point favorite this Saturday against Washington but anyone who knows anything about anything knows that this line is way way to high and here is why.

1) Jake Locker will butcher the Oregon defense- Not only has Locker run for more yards than either Jonathan Stewart or Jeremiah Johnson, but he is also probably faster than 9 of Oregon's 11 starting defenders. Expect almost 200 yards rushing from Locker in this game. Plus the last time Oregon went against a team that ran elements of the spread they gave up nearly 600 yards of offense to Houston. Not good.

2) Oregon has no good starting receivers- Who is going to catch the ball for Oregon in this game??? Jaison Williams will certainly drop a few passes, Garren Strong will start and have 3 catches for 15 yards, and Aaron Plugrad is 5 foot 3 and weighs 90 pounds and will get broken in half. Not good.

3) Oregon has no good backup receivers- Oregon's backup receivers are: a walk-on whose name Jerry Allen didn't know when he played against WSU, a white receiver whose number is in the 90's, and a JC transfer that was set to redshirt this season until this injuries hit. Not good.

4) Dennis Dixon isn't that good- Dixon is a pretty good quarterback, but he isn't a QB that transcends and elevates the entire team. Like last year Dixon's numbers are built primarily on screen passes and once Washington figures out how to stop that play than Oregon is screwed. Again, not good.

5) Oregon doesn't realize this is a rivalry game- Oregon hasn't played in Seattle since 2003 and no one on Oregon's roster has ever played against a Washington team that was actually good. Nick Reed even said that he had to be told that Washington was a rival of Oregon. Because they have had to play in Eugene the past several years Washington will be super fired up for this game and Oregon won't match their intensity. Not good.

6) Past History- The past years Oregon has collapsed (2006, 2002, 2003) they always had a win in the middle of the losing streak that people though would stop the streak.

2002: 41-14 over Stanford, and they proceeded to lose the rest of their games
2003: 35-00 over Stanford and Oregon then Oregon lost their next game by 32 points.
2006: 30-20 over UCLA before losing 4 of last 6 games.

History repeats itself, again not good.

Final Prediction
Because of all these factors Oregon will lose to Washington 31-17, and the slide to mediocrity and fans calling for Brady Leaf will begin.

Week 8 Picks
I had another winning week last week going 27-24. This brings my total record on the season to 166-164. Clearly I know what I am doing.

Rutgers +1 vs South Florida
Lousiville -3.5 vs Uconn
Syracuse -3.5 vs Buffalo
Miami Ohio -6 @ Temple
Mississippi State +25.5 @ West Virginia
Indiana +7 vs Penn State
Clemson -16.5 vs Central Michigan
Wisconsin -23 vs Northern Illinois
Arkansas -5 @ Ole Miss
South Carolina -13.5 vs Vanderbilt
Wake -3 @ Navy
Georgia Tech -23.5 vs Army
Air Force -2.5 vs Wyoming
Western Michigan +1 vs Ball State
Kansas -3.5 @ Colorado
Rice +1 vs Memphis
SMU -6 vs Tulane
Nevada -7 @ utah State
Tennessee -1 @ Alabama
Nebraska -2 vs Texas AM
Iowa State +30 vs Oklahoma
Missouri -3.5 vs Texas Tech
Cal -1.5 @ UCLA
Notre Dame +17.5 vs USC
Florida State -4.5 vs Miami
Washington +13 vs Oregon
Michigan State +18.5 @ Ohio State
Maryland -4 vs Virginia
Bowling Green +5.5 @ Kent State
Central Florida -2.5 vs Tulsa
East Carolina -6 vs NC State
Stanford +13 @ Arizona
Fresno State -13.5 vs San Jose State
Houston -13 @ UAB
Kentucky +7 vs Florida
La Tech +15.5 vs Boise State
Iowa +7 @ Purdue
Toledo -1.5 vs Ohio
Texas -25.5 @ Baylor
Oklahoma State -3.5 vs Kansas State
Cincinnati -9.5 @ Pittsburgh
Illinois +1 vs Michigan
New Mexico State -9 vs Idaho
LSU -10 vs Auburn
New Mexico -9 @ San Diego State
UNLV -3 vs Colorado State
North Texas +21.5 @Troy
Middle Tennessee State -2 vs Arkansas State
Florida Atlantic -6.5 @Lafayette
FIU +13.5 @ Ul Monroe
Southern Miss -3.5 @ Marshall

Buffet Rules

When I get hungry, and I mean hungry, there are only five words that can satisfy me: All You-Can-Eat Buffet. They’re like libraries of food, but instead of late fees, they’ve got soft-serve. I've been hitting up the local Bend buffets at least once a week. It really breaks up my normal routine of soup, chicken, microwave pasta, chicken-soup casserole.

Most people think you’ve got to eat meat to fill up at buffets (Think Izzy's and their BBQ hotdogs) but this is simply not true. It’s all about the sauces. Think about it: your body is mostly made up of liquid. Blood, water, guts. It’s all liquid. So does it make sense to shove a whole bunch of solids down your windpipe? Think again. You want to stock up on the sauces because they’ll keep you full the longest. Go for a big old glass of Alfredo sauce and you won’t eat for weeks. (If you can't find any sauces than salad dressing is a good substitute) Chinese buffets are also great for this. Kung pao might be spicy, but if you drink enough of it you won’t even be able to think about eating.

One a related note, it drives me crazy when buffets only offer one type of Jell-O. Seriously, the Jell-O thing drives me crazy. It costs, what 25 cents to make a whole tray? Loosen up the purse strings and throw some lemon and orange in with that watermelon. Although don't put the milk anywhere near the Jello. Despite what some people might do or say, MILK AND JELL-O DO NOT MIX. <--- Jerry you need to re-read this last sentance until you understand

Regular restaurants have waitresses that you’re supposed to tip but Buffets are great because they have waitresses that you don’t have to tip because you’re doing all the work yourself. These bimbos have tons of time on their hands because you’re the idiot running back and forth with the food, so I always intentionally drop a plate or two just to keep them on their toes.

I had an idea the other day regarding buffets and if anyone steals it I’ll hunt them down. Here’s the idea: buffets should start selling different size plates. You pay three bucks for the small, five bucks for the medium, and ten bucks for the large. I’m a real good stacker so I’d just have to pay for the little one and I'd go off, but fat people would probably shell out for the big plate so they wouldn’t have to get up so many times. I’m telling you, this is pure genius. Honestly, if you steal this idea I will dismantle you.

Cody Pickett is Overrated

Oregon demolished Washington State last week in a game that wasn't as close as the score indicated.

Game Grades

Cameron Colvin: D He was just about to prove my "historically overrated Oregon Senior who magically gets good" theory before he got injured. With him injured the only football player left to prove the theory is Dixon, who is proving it quite well. Luckily for us Oregon has a basketball season just around the corner that will allow us to test more supposed wives tales relating to Oregon Athletics.

Walter Thurmond III: F He was absolutely terrible against WSU. He got destroyed by a true freshman who didn't even play football in high school. It doesn't say much about your coverage ability when you get abused by a player who has played football for 3 months. Mike Bellotti has already initiated a search for Walter Thurmond the 4th.

Dennis Dixon: C+ This might seem a little low for someone who went 21-28 for almost 300 yards, however over 200 of Dixon's passing yards came from screen passes. Luckily from him the game wasn't on TV and the "heisman pundits" will be fooled by his numbers.

Alex Brink: A+ His performance rivals that of fellow Midwestern League alum Matt Baramow.

Oregon moves a step closer to conquering the state of Washington this week with a game @ Washington. The last time Oregon played in Seattle Oregon got demolished 42-10 but it was still a great moment in Oregon football history. I will give ten dollars to anyone who can tell me what that moment was and who was involved. Here is a hint: look at the title of this post (and no the person involved was not Cody Picket)

BaldingReport Out.

Killing a Nation

Today was my third day of training and the big news out of Bend is that its ok for me to tell stories about the taxpayers I encounter as long as I don't use their real names. So for instance I can tell the story about "Taxpayer A" who stole the payroll tax from his business and used it fund illegal jet ski races on his private lake in Central Oregon.

In other news Oregon hosts Alex Brink and Washington State this weekend at Autzen Stadium. Its pretty sad that Washington State has been forced to start a QB from the Midwestern League for the past 4 years. I mean if Alex Brink is your schools all-time leading passer it doesn't say much about your team.

Despite Washington State's lowly status, Oregon is vulnerable right now and I see WSU hanging around for several reasons.

1) WSU does have a pretty good offense and Oregon's defense is in the gutter right now.

2) Oregon is Rich, Cool, and 4-1

3) Jonathan Stewart has a sprained thumb and will fumble at least twice

4) Oregon might wear white helmets (which have finally been approved)

I think Oregon will win, but it will be a close game for three quarters before Oregon scores 21 unanswered points in the 4th quarter to win by 20+. Oregon 42 WSU 21

Week 7 Picks

Hawaii -17 @ San Jose State
Purdue +5.5 @ Michigan
Syracuse +17.5 vs Rutgers
Eastern Michigan +4 @ Ohio
Northwestern -6.5 vs Minnesota
Kent +30.5 @ Ohio State
South Carolina -7 @ North Carolina
Georgia Tech +2.5 @ Miami
Duke +14 vs Virginia Tech
Cincinnati -10 vs Lousiville
Alabama -5.5 @ Ole Miss
Georgia -7 @ Vanderbilt
Buffalo -4.5 vs Toledo
Kansas -27 vs Baylor
Wyoiming -3.5 vs New Mexico
Tennessee -7 @ Mississippi State
Miami Ohio -1.5 vs Bowling Green
Utah -14 vs San Diego State
Central Michigan -13.5 vs Army
Houston -22.5 vs Rice
Oregon -19 vs WSU
Wisconsin +7 @ Penn State
Nebraska -3.5 vs Oklahoma State
Texas -16.5 @ Iowa State
Illinois -4 @ Iowa
Boston College -13.5 @ Notre Dame
Western Michigan -3.5 @ Northern Illinois
Stanford +6.5 vs TCU
Oregon State +14 @ Cal
Fresno -9.5 @ Idaho
Air Force +3 @ Colorado State
Temple +10.5 @ Akron
Kentucky +9.5 vs LSU
Auburn +3 @ Arkansas
UAB -2.5 vs Tulane
Virginia -3 vs Conneticut
Louisiana Tech -7.5 vs New Mexico State
Tulsa -13.5 vs Marshall
Indiana +3.5 vs Michigan State
Texas Tech -10 vs Texas AM
Missouri +12 @ Oklahoma
Colorado +4.5 @ Kansas State
So Mississippi -8.5 vs SMU
Central Florida +11.5 @ South Florida
East Carolina +3 @ Utep
BYU -11 @ UNLV
Washington +11.5 @ UNLV
USC -21 vs Arizona
Arkansas State -9 vs Lafayette
North Texas +7 vs UL Monroe
Middle Tenn State +4 @ Memphis
Nevada +25.5 @ Boise State

Football Picks

Sorry for the lack of updates but I have been in Seattle the past 5 days drinking courtesy of the US government. Its pretty ridiculous that they gave me 64 dollars each day for food. Needless to say that money went towards a couple of 3 dollar appetizers and 58 dollars of alcohol each night.

After a strong 28-21-1 week last week I am now up to 52% on the year with my picks, so the people who have been following my picks all year are almost back to even!! Anyway here are the week 6 picks

Northern Illinois -3.5 @ Temple
West Virginia -27 @ Syracuse
Cincy +4 @ Rutgers
Wisconsin +2.5 @ Illinois
Indiana -14 vs Minnesota
Michigan State -16.5 vs Northwestern
North Carolina +7 vs Miami
Wake -7.5 @ Duke
Ball State -12.5 vs Central Michigan
Vandy +8 @Auburn
Bowling Green +20 @ Boston College
Ohio -3.5 @ Buffalo
Army -6.5 vs Tulane
Eastern Michigan +29.5 @ Michigan
Wyoming -3 vs TCU
Texas AM -6.5 vs Oklahoma State
UAB +18.5 @ Mississippi State
Kent State -9 vs Miami OH
Kansas +3.5 @ Kansas State
Ole Miss -13 vs La Tech
Baylor +9 vs Colorado
Clemson -5.5 vs Virginia Tech
Texas +12.5 vs Oklahoma
Nebraska +6 @ Missouri
Iowa +9 @ Penn State
NC State +17.5 @ Florida State
Georgia -1.5 @ Tennessee
Fresno State +3 @ Nevada
Houston +10.5 @ Alabama
Idaho +6.5 @ San Jose State
Colorado State -13.5 vs San Diego State
Arizona +3 @ Oregon State
USC -41 vs Stanford
Akron +8.5 @ Western Michigan
Maryland +3.5 vs Georgia Tech
Iowa State +24.5 @ Texas Tech
Central Florida -3.5 @ East Carolina
LSU -7 vs Florida
Ohio State -7 @ Purdue
Notre Dame +22.5 @ UCLA
UNLV +5.5 @ Air Force
Tulsa -3 @ UTEP
ASU -9 @ WSU
South Florida -17 @ FAU
Arkansas State -2.5 @ UL monroe
North Texas +8 @ UL Lafayette
Troy -18 @ FIU
MTSU +10 vs Virginia
Hawaii -39 vs Utah State
New Mexico State -24.5 @ Boise State
Boise State -24.5 vs New Mexico State

Cal Oregon Game Grades and Recap

The BaldingReport: A+ The first game grade goes to my own blog for predicting yesterday that "4) Cameron Colvin will fumble- This is my lock of the week. Colvin has always been a great receiver with good hands, but for some reason he holds the ball like a little girl. With the injury to Paysinger, Colvin will make plays and have the ball in his hand a lot, but he will also put one on the turf".

Jeff Tedford: A Cal was clearly the better coached team in this game. Cal played error free football the entire game, protected Nate Longshore, looked in control, and was not fooled by the misdirection running plays Oregon ran early in the game. I would have given Tedford an A+ but he predictably ran the ball 3 times when his team had the ball with 2 minutes left, giving Oregon a shot to tie the game. Cal looked exactly like an Oregon team transported back through time from the Joey Harrington era. At this stage its obvious that Tedford is a better coach than Bellotti.

Mike Bellotti: F super minus Not only did all of Oregon's inventive new running plays fail to do anything, but Mike Bellotti probably had the worst special teams in the history of college football. Lets recap
Kick Returners: They only dropped 4 kick returns!...Also for some reason Bellotti decided to remove Jonathan Stewart from the return team. That is a smart idea because he is the best return man in the conference. Way to go Mike!
Andiel Brown: Does he know the fair catch rule exists?????
Kick Off Team- Why did Oregon decide to squib kick it everytime?? Oregon pretty much decided they would let Cal take the ball on the 40 yard line rather than risk ANY normal kick return. Memo to Mike Bellotti: Desean Jackson doesn't return kicks!!! Talk about having no faith in your team.
Punter: Josh Syria was actually a baller, he was awesome.

Dennis Dixon: B Its amazing how high and low his reputation was amongst Oregon fans today. In the morning at College Gameday he was continually lauded as a Heisman candidate, after he threw two picks in the 4th quarter everyone in the stadium was thinking "wow he is the same as last year" than right before Colvin fumbled the entire crowd was back to thinking "Dennis Dixon for Heisman". Dixon did look timid early on (as predicted yesterday in the blog) and probably didnt go deep enough, but in his defense his line stunk in the first half and he got little to no help from his receivers. In the end its hard to knock a guy who ends up 31-44 for over 300 yards and would have led a great game winning drive had his receiver not fumbled the ball.
My conversation with my dad right before Jaison Williams 36 yard reception in the 4th quarter A+++++
Me: "Dude I would go deep to Williams right here, he has a white guy on him"
Dad: "What, who is that??"
Me: "I dunno but its a white cornerback, he must suck"
Crowd: "Loud cheers as Williams destroys his man for a 36 yard slant over the middle"

The white cornerback for Cal was freshman Chris Conte who really doesn't look like he belongs anywhere on a pac-ten football field.

Desean Jackson: A+ His performance was like that of Reggie Bush in 2005, simply amazing.

Missed oppurtunities: :(
In light of all the upsets that occurred today in College Football, Oregon probably would be ranked third in the country if they had won this game. If Oregon would have won this game they would have jumped in front of: OU, Florida, Cal, Texas, WVU, and Rutgers. Oregon would also probably have jumped in front Ohio State and Wisconsin and be ranked third in the country. Instead they will probably drop to 15 or so behind all the crappy undefeated teams still out there, and behind all the ones loss teams who lost this weekend

College Gameday: A- An absolute unreal experience to be there firsthand. My favorite sign said "Nate Longshore drinks Zima" and had a picture of Longshore saying "God I'm soft"

Anyway that's it from this game, so BaldingReport out.

Oregon vs Cal Predictions

Before the Michigan game I made several predictions based on Mike Bellotti's history in big games.

I predicted that Garren Strong would throw a pass, that Oregon would run a gadget special teams play, Oregon's offense would move the ball, but have trouble turning those yards into points, and that Oregon's defense would give up yards but not points. In retrospect i nailed all of these predictions except the Garren Strong one. With that being said lets move on to the predictions for the mother of all games.

1)Dennis Dixon will struggle- In his two previous home games this year Dixon arguably could have been pulled from one (Houston), and was merely average in the other (Fresno). Unfortunately for Dixon, Cal's defense is vastly superior to either of those two teams so expect a similar if not worse performance. Also, Dixon seemingly plays timid at home and seems to try and aim his passes rather than throw them with confidence so expect some struggles with throwing the ball.

Cal also has way smarter coaches than Oregon's first 4 opponents and I am sure that they know that they need to hit Dixon every opportunity they get. I was shocked that Michigan repeatedly covered the pitch man on the option rather than hitting Dixon and forcing him to pitch the ball. Not only does Dixon struggle sometimes in making good pitches on the option, (especially going left) but last year he played very poorly (both running and throwing) when he knew he was going to get hit. Expect Cal to come after him a lot.

2) Nate Longshore will also struggle- Longshore has played one good road game in his career and has been absolutely terrible in most of his road outings. Oregon has a good secondary and will force him to play at a high level that I dont feel he can play at. Also Desean Jackson has an injured thumb and he hasn't had more than 45 yards in any game this season so Longshore doesn't have the receiving threats that many thought he would have.

2a) If Longshore is actually good in this game than Oregon will get destroyed.

3) Oregon will have success running the ball- Not only is Cal's best defensive player out with an injury (Linebacker Zach Follet), but Cal's run defense has been shaky this season to begin with. The running backs for both Tennessee and Colorado State had their best games of the season against a Cal defense that lost 7 starters (and its 7 best players) from last years team. Cal undoubtedly has a better defense than anyone Oregon has faced this year, but I don't think they are that much better than Michigan. Oregon probably wont be able to get the big run against Cal, but expect well over 200 yards rushing.

4) Cameron Colvin will fumble- This is my lock of the week. Colvin has always been a great receiver with good hands, but for some reason he holds the ball like a little girl. With the injury to Paysinger, Colvin will make plays and have the ball in his hand a lot, but he will also put one on the turf.

5) Justin Forsett will run for 125 yards on 25 carries- Oregon has a bad run defense so far this season but I think that they will step it up in a big home game. Oregon historicaly plays the run well at home in big games (Michigan 03 is the biggest example) and will presumable play above their abilities in this game. Cal is to good to completely shut down, but I don't think they will put up the monster running stats that some people think.

6) If Cal gets out ot a big lead, Mike Bellotti will call in a bomb threat- Its no secret that in 2003 as Cal was about to go up two scores that Bellotti put a call into the stadium managers and ordered them to cut the power. The 20 minute break allowed Oregon to regain the momentum and in the end they came back to win the game. Expect something equally sneaky this time around if Cal jumps out to a big lead.

7) Ultimate prediction- This game is eerily similiar to last years game against Cal except everything is reversed. Cal is banged up instead of Oregon, the game is in Eugene instead of Berkely, Cal's wins all appear to be against teams that will stink at the end of season (much like Oregon last year with Stanford and Fresno), last year was the biggest game ever in Berkely while this years game is arguably the biggest ever at Autzen, Oregon is looking for redemption this year while Cal was looking for it last year after their game against Tennessee, last year Oregon had the shaky QB and this year Cal does. The stars are aligned for Oregon in this game. Expect Oregon to jump out ot a huge lead and then hang on for a comfortable victory. Oregon 38 Cal 24

Bend but dont break

A lot people have been describing Oregon's defense as a defense that "bends but doesn't break". Lets be honest about that description. People call a defense that when it sucks. The only reason Oregon's defense has avoided being called worse names is because of how fortunate they have been with regards to turnovers. Here is a breakdown of how lucky they have been.

Houston- Oregon got lucky when Houstons running back just dropped the ball twice early in the game. When Houston wasn't flat out dropping the ball, they still managed to gain 315 yards rushing and a staggering 545 total yards. Oh yea, Houston was replacing a QB who had started 51 straight games.

Michigan- They moved the ball easily on the first drive until Chad Henne randomly tried to throw the ball as far as he could. After driving for a TD, Michigan then replaced a 4 year starting tailback who has lost 1 career fumble with a backup who preceeded to drop the ball on his first carry. Despite these bonehead plays, Michigan still managed to gain over 300 yards of total offense in the FIRST HALF before bringing in a freshman QB to replace their starter.

Fresno State- Oregon's defense actually played fairly well in this game but it was against a team that scored 24 points against Sacremento State and an offense that was missing its two best running backs and two starting offensive lineman.

Stanford- Not only did Stanford manage to score 31 points in the first half, but they also had a back up running back run for over 110 yards IN THE FIRST HALF!!. Lets not forget that Stanford was also without their best offensive lineman who got injured in the first quarter.

Recap- The only way Oregon has stopped anybody this season is by getting turnovers, but unfortunately for them Cal is 7th in the nation in turn over margin. No freebies for Oregon in this one.

Picks- After last week my season record is back above .500 so there is still hope for all the poor Indians who's wageredd their life savings on my gambling picks. So without further delay here are the picks that will save a nation.

Arkansas State -4 vs Memphis
Boise State -10 vs Southern Miss
South Florida +7 vs West Virginia
Duke +24 @ Miami
Virginia Tech -17.5 vs North Carolina
Akron +13.5 @ Uconn
Indiana + 10.5 @ Iowa
South Carolina -14 vs Mississippi State
Temple +6 @ Army
Air Force +2 @ Navy
Ball State -16 vs Buffalo
Central Michigan -2.5 vs Northern Illinois
Michigan -16 @ Northwestern
Syracuse -1.5 @ Miami Ohio
Utah State +20.5 @ Utah
Oregon -4.5 vs Cal
Alabama +2 @ Florida State
Georgia -14.5 vs Ole Miss
Auburn +18 @ Florida
Oregon State -0 vs UCLA
Penn State -3.5 @ Illinois
Michigan State +7 @ Wisconsin
Nebraska -22.5 vs Iowa State
Texas -14.5 vs Kansas State
Nevada -3.5 vs UNLV
UTEP +1 @ SMU
Hawaii -24.5 @ Idaho
LSU -40.5 @ Tulane
CSU +10.5 @ TCU
Vanderbilt -20 vs Eastern Michigan
Western Michigan -1@ Toledo
Oklahoma -23 @ Colorado
Texas AM -16 vs Baylor
Virginia -6.5 vs Pitt
Houston -10.5 vs East Carolina
UAB +19.5 @ Tulsa
Lousiville -8 @ NC State
Georgia Tech +3 vs Clemson
Rutgers -16 vs Maryland
Ohio State -23.5 @ Minnesota
Washinton +20.5 vs USC
Purdue -22 vs Notre Dame
BYU -6 @ New Mexico
Arizona -2.5 vs WSU
ASU -14.5 @ Stanford
Fresno State -12 vs La Tech
Cincy -14.5 @ San Diego State
UCF -22 vs Lafayette
MTSU -11.5 vs FIU
Arkansas -36 vs North Texas
Troy -13.5 vs Monroe

Hidden X Factor

A lot of bigshots are throwing out stats to try and justify their opinions with regards to the Oregon-Cal game. One statistic that I feel is being overlooked is how poorly Nate Longshore has played on the road during his career.

16-29 146 yds @ Colorado State
11-20 85 yds 1 INT @ Tennessee
22-31 341 yds 4 TD 1 INT @ Oregon State
17-31 176 yds 2 INT @ Washington State
17-36 250 yds 1 TD 3 INT @ Arizona
17-38 176 yds 1 TD 2 INT @ USC

Out of Longshore's 6 career road games, he has really only played good in one of them, and that was against an OSU team that lost at home to WSU the following week.

Dennis Dixon's stats have also been lauded by the pundits, but while he has been great one the road this season, he struggled in his two games this season at Autzen. Against Houston I honestly thought Dixon would get benched at halftime, and against Fresno, Dixon just didnt seem to have the crispness that elite Quarterbacks have. In fact one could argue that Dixon hasn't played a good home game since the Stanford game of last season.

If both Longshore and Dixon continue to play the way their home and away stats would indicate, expect a sloppy low scoring game where the winning QB is the one who makes the fewest mistakes.

BaldingReport out.

The only chink in Oregon's armor

The only chink in Oregon's armor is?????? Patrick Chung...moving on from racist jokes...

Help with signs for College Gameday

As everybody has heard, college gameday is coming to Oregon this weekend and this undoubtedly will cause thousands of Oregon fans to hold up stupid and idiotic signs that will embarrass themselves, the university, and the city. However, fans can avoid this inevitble embarrassment by making a sign that I have personally approved right here on the BaldingReport. Here are the sign ideas that are assured to draw approval from your peers or anybody watching on TV.

1) "They're not sweatshops, they're awesomeshops"
2) "Ted Bundy was a Husky"
3) Eugene
Smokes
Non-stop
Pot
4) "Our hippies like football"
5) "Lee Corso is a Penis"
6) "Lou Holtzth ith thtupid"
7) "Whizzinators For Sale"
8) "OJ stole my tickets!"

BaldingReport out.

Oregon vs Stanford Recap and Big Changes

We have made some big changes to the BaldingReport this week. The most notable change is to the front page where John Kerry has been replaced by Roboduck. I figured Roboduck is a good symbol for this blog because Roboduck represents the arrogance and piss poor management by the Athletic Department that I continually expose in this blog. Moving on...

Oregon vs Stanford Recap
Seeing as this game was not on TV and I listened to Stanford's radio broadcast, I am still not entirely sure that this game actually happened, but that won't stop me from giving out my game grades.

Stanford Radio C: Not only did Jim Harbaugh provide the greatest halftime quote ever by a coach "in the first quarter they made us taste our own blood but in the second quarter they tasted their own blood" but they also repeatedly called players "midgets" and claimed that Stanford was having all night games this year because "to many fans were attending their children's soccer games during the day". They put Jerry Allen to shame.

Cameron Colvin: A. Up until last week I think he would have been the biggest recruiting bust of a player who stayed eligible, healthy, and out of trouble in the history of College Football. The only player who could have approached him would have been LaCorey Collins but he had enough one handed catches to make up for his overall low level of play. However last week Colvin was unstoppable and is in the running with Dennis Dixon and Aaron Brooks for the "Oregon Senior who sucks for 3 years and then magically is great" award.

Andiel Brown: F-. Another game and another fumbled punt return for Oregon. At this stage I am convinced that Oregon should just leave their regular defense on the field on all 4th downs. This way they wont get any roughing the punter penalties and they won't have a return man out there who will fumble. Another thing that irritates me about Oregon Punt Returners is how they all think they are Michael Fletcher and never call fair catches. How often has a punt returner ever made something happen when there are 6 guys suorrounding him when he is getting ready to catch it??? NEVER!

In related news, I was reading the Bend paper today and found out that an escaped convict was captured IN MY APARTMENT COMPLEX. I never thought that my new apartment in a town of all retired people could actually be more dangerous than my Eugene apartment that was directly behind a 7-11.

Also be sure to check the BR all this week because were gonna have lots of coverage of the game this week. BaldingReport Out.

Week 4 Picks

Oklahoma -23 vs Tulsa
Miami -2 vs Texas AM
Lousiville -37.5 vsSyracuse
Indiana +2 vs Illinois
Baylor -3 @ Buffalo
Akron +2 vs Kent State
Boston College -27 vs Army
Miami OH +12.5 @ Colorado
Nebraska -24 vs Ball State
Air Force +13 @ Byu
UCLA -5.5 vs Washington
Georgia +3.5 @ Alabama
Ole Miss +23.5 vs Florida
Northwestern +24 @ Ohio State
Penn State -2.5 @ Michigan
Texas Tech -6 @ Oklahoma State
Michigan State -10 @ Notre Dame
Central Florida -7 vs Memphis
Georgia Tech -4 @ Virginia
Houston -6.5 vs Colorado State
Arizona +14 @ Cal
Northern Illinois +3.5 @ Idaho
Temple +21.5 @ Bowling Green
East Carolina +24 @ West Virginia
Toledo +3 vs Iowa State
North Carolina +12.5 vs South Florida
Wake Forest -3.5 vs Maryland
Clemson -6.5 @ NC State
Cincinnati -24 vs Marshall
Kentucky +7 @ Arkansas
NMSU +16.5 @ Auburn
Pitt -8.5 vs Conneticut
Ohio +4 vs Wyoming
Texas -38 vs Rice
USC -24.5 vs Washington State
South Carolina +17.5 @ LSU
Wisconsin -7 vs Iowa
San Jose State +3 @ Utah State
TCU -23 vs SMU
Purdue -14 @ Minnesota
Utah -7.5 @ UNLV
Oregon -18 @ Stanford
Kansas -33.5 vs FIU
UL Lafayette +9 vs Troy
North Texas -7 vs FAU
Arkansas State +19 @ Tennessee

Entrenched

I have now entrenched myself in the Bend community. I am already dissapointed by the fact the town appears to only have 2 AM radio stations. On the plus side however, I live right near a bowling alley so all my Wii Bowling practice should pay off pretty soon. Moving on...

Last Wednesday, I went over to the local Dari-mart to pick up a bunch of breakfast burritos and some cream cheese. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw all the stuff they sell there now. Cell Phones, fancy lighters, Digital camerals. You name it, they had it. I thought I had jumped into the future or something, which was weird because I usually think I’m back in the past.

As a joke, I asked the 39 year old Indian dude behind the counter how much he wanted for the cell phone, thinking he’d say two, three hundred bucks. When he said twenty bucks, I just about dropped a bomb in my skivvies. Considering my current phone has more holes than Jaison Williams hands, I thought it would be a good purchase until I realized that I may have the oldest cell phone still in use. According to my records my phone was built sometime around 1967 and was actually used in the Vietnam War. Someone find me the phone number for the Gueniess Book of World Records because me and my phone definitely belong there.

Hey – you know that rumor about if you feed antacid to birds, their stomachs blow up? Is that true? No reason, just is it true or not? No biggie if you don’t know, and there’s no particular reason why I’m asking the question, but I would like to know soon, not for any real reason, but I would like to know, so let me know, if you know, so if it’s true I can start making bird bombs.

My college football picks have languised so far this season but I am off to a 2-0 start this week by picking Miami and Oklahoma so far. Anyway I will post my picks for Saturday's games before the games Start on Saturday so no one (Jerry Balding) can accuse me of cheating.

BaldingReport Out.

Fresno State @ Oregon Predictions

Before the season started if anyone told me that Oregon would be 2-0 with combined margin of victory of 53 points, I would have told you that Oregon is headed for the national title. However in reality what do we really know about this team?? The answer is not very much. Despite the fact that Oregon is 2-0 (with two quality wins), Oregon still appears to be an enigma with question marks still at nearly every position.

QB: Is Dennis Dixon actually good?? I thought he would be pulled at halftime of the Houston game, and then he turns around and is the national player of the week @ Michigan. He certainly looks better this year than he did last year, but would anyone really be that surprised if he went 11-24 with 3 INTS against Fresno??

RB: Is Jonathan Stewart an above average running back or a great one?? As good as Stewart looked @Michigan, he was that mediocore against Houston. Stewart and Johnson have both proven to be pretty good running backs, but are they elite???? Stewart is probably going to be a 1st round draft pick, but other than trying to hurdle every defender he encounters he still hasn't proven much on the college scene.

WR: They looked good against Michigan until you realize that Jaison Williams only caught 50% of the passes that were thrown at him. (4 catches, 4 drops). Paysinger appears to have emerged as a legitimate weapon, but the lack of any proven go to player in this group still scares me. Cameron Colvin needs to get kicked off the team already so he doesn't continue to break my heart each week.

Defense: Oregon has done a good job getting turnovers this year (9 of them), but in all honestly how many of them were actually "forced" by the defense and how many of them were just lucky. It wasn't anything Oregon did that forced Chad Henne to randomly throw the ball 80 yards down the field to a wide open Matthew Harper, that was just Henne being a typical Michigan quarterback. Also lets not forget that in the 1st 6 quarters this season, Oregon gave up nearly 900 yards of total offense. That is not exactly the sign of a respectable defense. Oregon's defense could be a ball hawking bend but dont break defense, but they just as easily could be really bad.

Fresno State:
A lot of media people have been saying that Fresno's close loss @AM is a sign that the Bulldogs are back to their "giantkiller" ways, but I don't buy it. Texas AM nearly lost to Army early last year, so I dont put to much faith in anything they do before Big 12 play starts. Likewise Fresno looked very mediocore in their game against Sacremento State to open this season, so I think Fresno going to 3 overtimes against an overrated big 12 squad doesn't mean that much.

However, Fresno does have a history of of being a top tier mid-major and their QB play (the main reason they sucked last year) appears to be a lot better this season. Given Pat Hill's history of fielding competitive teams it's unlikely that Fresno is actually bad for a second straight season (4-8 last year). On top of that, the main reason Fresno stunk last year was QB play, and their QB this year appears to actually be good.

In spite of all of that, the biggest thing going for Fresno in this game is their mindset. Fresno seems to only care about beating big time opponents. It seems that the program has adopted the "giantkiller" persona and values its non-conference games against BCS opponnents more than its league games. (Evidenced by the fact that Fresno has zero league titles under Hill).

Because of that past history of this series (all games decided by 7 points or less) and the fact that Fresno wont be intimidated by Oregon at all, it is virtually assured that the Oregon-Fresno game will be a close game (unless Fresno just comes out drained becaue of their game last week). However just like in years past, Oregon should have just enough of an edge (can you say Pac 10 refs???) to sneak past the Bulldogs and get to 3-0.

Fresno 24
Oregon 31