The Breakup

Here is the timeline for the last 30 minutes of my life

11:38 PM-- Justin calls me (obviously drunk, he berates me for falling asleep on my clothes pile the night before)

11:45 PM-- Justin is estatic that he is able to walk in the apartment while talking on the phone to me.

11:46 PM-- We begin talking about his girlfriend and its clear the night is going to be a classic. Justin describes in detail the conversation they had last night that began at 2 AM that in his words "included several trips to the bathroom". We decide he should just tell his girl "we're done" and hang up.

11:48 PM-- At this stage i am convinced that Justin's blood alcohol level is at last .2 as it takes him like 6 attempts to dial her number. It goes to a message machine

11:48 PM-- In a twist that rivals something out of Lost, Justin breaks out his frat boy charms and calmly leaves a message saying how he hopes to talk to her tomorrow. I figured Justin had a higher chance of outright passing out than leaving a coherent message.

11: 49PM-- She calls him back. This is unexpected seeing as she is in NY and its 2:49 AM there.

11:49 PM: Justin calmly answers the phone. The tension is palpable. At this stage, Justin is like Mike Tyson where he could literally say or do anything.

11:50 PM They have a quick conversation that she ends by her saying she is waiting for a taxi. I ask Justin where she is going at 3AM in New York, and he immediately calls her a liar saying he knows she is full of lies.

11:52 PM Justin calls her back demanding to know if her cab is yellow or checkered. Justin wants me to hear her lies so he puts the cell phone on speaker phone. She clearly is not in a cab and states that her cab is actually coming in an hours time. Justin calls her out. The conversation awkwardly ends with her saying something unintelligible.

11:56 PM- She calls Justin back. Justin opens the conversation by telling her "he was having one of the most fun weekends ever with her not here". A great opening line.

She responds by telling Justin that he has 1o different personalities and wonders why he drinks so much. Justin ignores her comment about the personalities and tells her that he drinks a lot because of how often he is with her.

She then tells him that he is not perfect. Justin (acting like he believes it) tells her that he is perfect. She says nobody wants a perfect person, to which Justin replies "who wouldn't want a perfect person??" Seems logical to me.

The conversation drags on for awhile and they began discussing Memorial Day. Justin tells her that "this relantionSHIT needs a memorial." Notice the emphasis he put on the the word relationship.

At the end of the the conversation she asks Justin "are you going to try make this work" his response "NO". Talk about a conversation killer.

12:15 AM- the phone call ends and justin calls his girlfriend "a stage 20 clinger" and says her taxi is probably the color "smarmalade"

All in all Justin validated his status as one of Eugene's top 5 drunks. A great night.

The best part of this post is that Justin actually proofread it for me and pointed out that I should use the word palpable in place of breathtaking. Top 5 indeed.

BaldingReport Out.